Sunday, May 3, 2009

Cancellation procedure words of wisdom

Bloggers Note: Today's words of wisdom deal with cancellations. Having the auditors of a Silicon Valley Bank explain what constitutes a "cancellation" little g.e. decided he had better send out his words of wisdom dealing with the fact that some clients had been billed a year after they had cancelled.

"Team

Please follow the process for cancellations as given below diligently. Do not deviate from this. Our cancellations will be around 15% this year and we have to keep a close watch on it. Further, accounting is not authorized to deal with support issues or client complaints. If they come across a client using that as a means for not paying bills or otherwise not meeting commitments, the issue has to be escalated to the proper business head and not responded to.

All, I need process compliance from accounting. This is becoming a point of failure for the organization.
We will not be forwarding cancellation notices to India office mindlessly as we have been doing in the past. Here is the process on receipt of a cancellation from a client:

1. Do a client account analysis with the following information:
a. Date of first billing
b. Amount billed to date
c. Amount collected to date
d. Bills that are currently due along with list of bills
e. Amount of final bill as per the contract. The bill is not raised at this point, until we have negotiated and closed the contract with the client.
f. Stop billing template.
2. Write a short note on the account and enclose bill copies, contract, cancellation notice etc and send to the business head. This will be done by the accounts manager responsible for that division.
3. Business head will take action on this and get back within 7 days on final billing, negotiated amount etc.
Regds
little g.e."

That's not bad. After being in business for seven years the President finally came up with a billing cancellation policy. In the world of his denial, if you don't address the problem, it may go away. I doubt it.

And now, on with the story….

While pressure was mounting financially due to client cancellations that were increasing little g.e. didn't know how to resolve the problems. Having signed a new lease before the company's other space was sublet made for a much greater than normal negative cash flow. On to of this, the money man his brother Sonny was losing patience and financial backing was becoming scarce. To make matters worse, the media company little g.e. purchased was not the answer the Denver based newspaper company was looking for and we were beginning to get threats from the newspaper division that clients would soon be cancelling their contracts with Fire M since the company couldn't deliver that product either.

The Vice President of the media division, Mick Mattdonald had been advising little g.e. from the first day of the acquisition that support needed to be healthier and that the customer service department which was the foundation of the media company could not be dissolved.

"Don't tell me how to sell my products, Mick, I am the greatest sales person this company has ever seen. I built empires in India. I know more than anyone. I will run this company the way I want and if you know what's good for you, you will obey me," said the narcisistic President. "And make sure that you do all your development in India. I don't care if it adds three weeks to the delivery date. The clients are stupid anyway," little g.e. added.

With more balls in the air than a practice session just before a Detroit Piston's game little g.e. had begun to crack. His demeanor was changing; he was becoming more sarcastic, rude and foolish while clients, employees and even the company receptionist knew that the problems stemmed from product deficiency and lack of customer support. One of the company's major weaknesses was to attempt to develop products under the cheap tactics of the president and not understanding why the products never made it to market without glitches.

One of the tagline excuses the company constantly used to fend off complaints from the sales department- usually delivered by the head engineer in charge of development - was that "nobody ever launches a product on time…" Ironically, little g.e. is so bad in his business practices that he not only couldn't launch a product that he developed on time, he would actually buy companies that were launching on time and ruin them – almost over night.

But the cheapness that continuously contributes to the failure of the company and its product line, never affected the Mercedes driving, booze chugging, Toblerone munching, self appointed playboy, little g.e. A night out with the self anointed mini stud was like an episode out of a 1980's Fern bar sitcom. With his canned lines of chatter directed towards women who he considered prey, the little guy was pathetic. At one tavern in town his name sits on a board above the bar because he paid for, and drank a $300.00 shot of Tequila. One evening, after an afternoon of drinking shots out of a $50.00 bottle of rum he decided to attempt to proposition a waitress at a Sausalito Chinese restaurant. With more guts than most of his employees he was persuaded to F*&% off. Fortunately for the waitress, his cheapness was not picking up the tab or leaving the tip.

Traits such as these and the power that he was given by being born into the upper level of the caste system have all contributed to the downfall of his company and product line. At one point in a product development meeting the Chairman of the Board, asked when he would be delivering a certain product and little g.e. lied to his face knowing that neither the product nor the marketing campaign to back it up would be delivered by the date suggested.

While little g.e. was attempting to find investors, he was also fighting the sexual harassment battles that were surfacing from actions of his sales manager. The company's policy manual was a work of contradictory art and the company's outsourced HR company had it hands more full than the sales manager and The Co Founder. It seemed like weekly notifications by female employees who were either forced out of the company or ran like hell after words of wisdom from management were presented in one pathetic form or another. Attempts by some members of management to pursue inter office affairs were water cooler fodder. And while the expense accounts of travelling management soared – usually in first class- support dwindled, profits became more distant, the training program had stalled and the Pebble Beach golf tournament cancellation caused some hard feelings between clients, golfers, and one attendee who claimed, " I knew the cheap bastard would never pull off Pebble Beach. It was just another one of his scams…"

Tomorrow: The Toyota Corporate Dinner... Let's talk training…

Thursday, April 30, 2009

There isno picnic here...


(Blogger's Note: Today we begin a new feature…daily words of wisdom from a CEO.
Each day we will begin the blog with words of wisdom that I have picked up along the way. I have received many of these over the years. When the book, Carboys and Indians is published, they will run in their entirety. Beginning today, we will just publish portions of them. A fun little game, guess when they were written. To begin we will start with very famous words of wisdom, written on July 4, 2008, and sent to little g.e.'s secretary on a national holiday.)

"The following items are not allowed for purchase. DO NOT Order them:

1. Fruits
2. Nesspresso
3. Cheese
4. Meats of any kind
5. Fruit drinks
6. M&Ms
7. Chocolates and candies unless they are specifically ordered by me
8. Potato chips
9. Add to this list

Only the following are to be ordered:
1. Cup of Noodles
2. Approved Energy bars
3. Regular coffee
4. Doritos

Friday lunches are to be restricted to $10/person. Only pizzaz to be ordered until further notice. DO NOT come to me with weekly menus."

And this guy is actually getting paid by auto dealers. No wonder the industry is in trouble....


Now on with the story…

The difference between little g.e., The Co Founder, and myself – I write press releases, realize why they are written, and don't necessarily believe them. They are written for public relation benefit. Little g.e. and The Co Founder believe them. And the brother, Sonny, begs for them. It's all part of the dog and pony show needed to raise money.
The problem of course isn't with the money raising; it's what they do with it once they raise it.

From the sounds of the words of wisdom, stated above, they should be buying stock in Doritos. They really like Doritos.

So needless to say they eventually began to believe they knew something about the auto business. Not true. If you can't market your own company, how can you have a marketing company for auto dealers? If you can't train your own sales people, how can you train those sales people at a dealership?

Fortunately, Danny Columbo knew the training techniques and when little g.e. and The Co Founder let him do his "thing" it worked. As soon as they interfered, the program hit some bumps speed bumps.

But the bumps and glitches really began to appear when the general electrified began to believe the press release written when he purchased the Michigan media company's platform that combined the two things he knew nothing about; automotive sales and newspapers.

As odd as it may seem nobody has ever seen the man read a newspaper. Now he will tell you that he read online, but that would be doubtful, because between late morning office arrivals, lunch, Toblerone chocolate, ( he didn't read the words of wisdom) and office naps little g.e. did nothing more than send out berating emails. And, words of wisdom.

But his venture into newspapers could have been his undoing. His ego was so large he once claimed "I want to be the publisher. Gotcha has always wanted to sleep with a publisher."

But in reality, publishers are pretty good guys. They eat their fair share of Doritos, but they know how to make a group of people come together, on a daily basis and produce a product that hours before didn't exist. And, they do that regularly, without much interruption.

As you can tell, the two industries that little g.e. decided to get into were both based on mass production. Rapid mass production. That made the entire triangle, newspapers, automotive companies, and Fire M a very weak proposition. Fire M could mass produce anything rapidly except emails.

The renting of the new office and the purchasing of the new company came together like bees and blossoms in spring. One day the five man group was sitting in cramped quarters in the financial district and a few days later the entire company was moving to shadows of home plate. It was ironic. The space even had two kitchens.

So it was with the promise of a new beginning, a new home, and a new company that the move came so quickly. And with the new acquisition, little g.e. pictured himself as a power-ful one. And while his vision was blurred because of the napping chocolate afternoons, he refused to increase customer service or support and instead had thoughts of a becoming a reader…

Tomorrow: The pictures of the office blessing. They'll move you…

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Training is the blessing

With Danny Columbo's training program hitting new heights, the future of the company looked bright. Training, something the general electrified could never pull off, nor could The Co Founder, would be the perfect product to increase the revenue stream and profit margin. And since little g.e. and his front-man buddy wouldn't be involved, the chances of success was paramount. If we could only get the two to concentrate on wht they were good at the compny might move forward.

One thing for sure, the company was going south. New office space had been acquired and the cramped offices of little g.e. and The Co-Founder would be suddenly made larger. And, the new WeePees could then come, en masse. That in the minds of those who cook other things than food makes all the difference in the world.

Big offices with lobbies and conference room are what makes more insolvent companies seem profitable than any other product they produce. And isn't that the way of the sales world today? If we can't deliver a product let's at least look like we can.

Plus, a bigger office meant that little g.e. could hire his wife, Gotcha, to man one of the cubicles as a marketing/editing professional. The fact that she had no marketing experience and her editing skills of the written language was nill, mattered not.

It was definitely a family thing. Little g.e.'s brother, Sonny, the master mind behind the funding scheme had employeed his wife in Bangalore to handle the books and billing. this created tension between little g.e. and Gotcha. With her continually returning to India to tend to the sick canine, a new office, an iphone and a laptop might just do the trick.

Plus, marketing was not a science to little g.e. it was a spaghetti toss. Throw it against the wall and if it sticks, use it.

Now with the walls closing in on the old space, the nw space gave the company a new image and breathing room.

Plus, Danny Columbo could train Trevor Landem to present to the dealers. The two could increase revenue while Donny Caine and The Co-Founer trained the new salesgirls on how to close a deal.

Tomorrow: A blessing in disguise

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Where there's smoke, there's fire...

In the smoke and mirror business there are a few tricks that need to be adhered to so that investors, lenders and partners continue to believe there is hope on the horizon and that the future is bright.

The general electrified was a master at the art of deception- he built a business on it - and his timing was perfect. According to Sal, who was given the boot yesterday from the accounting office, "The guy has never had a successful business". What's more sad is the ones he was acquiring, he was completely destroying through implementation of unlaunchable ideas that came to him after a few visits with captain Morgan - after 6:00 p.m. every evening.


After the Las Vegas fiasco- where he spent more hours in his room ducking those who expected to go to Pebble Beach in March for the "National Championship Tournament" he finally found a company to purchase. By doing so in february, 2007 he would alleviate the grief, aggrevation, and pressure he was getting by failing in the development of his own automotive portal. The way his system is working isn't novel, only this book is.


When general electrified figured out the smoke and mirror business plan here's the way it works- you take an Bangalore company and open an American division. You find an American to become your partner and you develop a product plan that never really comes to fruition. As soon as the product is almost developed you create another function of the product so you are always chasing product completion.


All the while you are billing unbelievable amounts of hours in India to complete the American sales cycle but never manage to do so. Your deliveries are late, customers unhappy and functionality failing continually. as soon as an American employee brings this to the general's attention he or she is either fired or flailed depending on the person. In the case of The Co-Founder, he has been flailed for the past seven plus years and is now just a bull dog puppy in the corner.


At the same time, the parent company is showing increased revenue - on paper- because they are the developmental arm and the longer it takes to develop a product or project the more money they can bill... the American company.


It's a tremedous way to get american funds into the Banks of Bangalore. while using the American auto dealer to do so.


With the purchase of the new company general electrified was able to acquire an automotive portal that would appeal to the newspaper industry and offer an expanded smoke and mirror view of how to take money from American institutions and float it home.


The auto portal acquisition was not announced until March and coincided with the move to the new office. It didn't take long before general electrified began telling people "how stupid" people from Detgroit are. The "WeePee" who had been with the company that Fire M acquired was in for a tumultuos ride. He was doomed as soon as the dotted line was signed.
All that was needed was the blessing of the space to make everyone feel as though the smoke and mirror method may pay off. Merely, another ploy as we had to go and pick up the High Priest on Market St.


Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Sal's Gone. Back to Vegas

(Blogger's Note: general electrified dumped another one today- this time the accountant. I wonder if they will make a formal announcement that Sal got the boot. This is the third time in two years that the accountant office was cleaned out. Is the reason really the accountant or does it have to do with the practices that go on in that office? Maybe the boys at Silicon Valley Bank and Merrill Lynch could find the answer to that Question.)

Back to the Fire M story…

Oh, Vegas. The NADA. Fire M's management fought for months on whether or not to throw a party for their dealers, but The Co Founder managed to manipulate general electrified into thinking it would be "the right thing to do".

The Sinatra suite was something out of an old movie. The Riviera had seen better days but for a CEO who has employees living in shacks in his hometown, it was a palace for the employees he so aptly disdained. Plus, no dealers ever showed up to the suite except for a few guys from a racing automotive dealer group.

And, for the heads of the sales' departments, mainly The Co Founder and Don Cane, if the hotel had a bar and a bed that was sufficient for adequate action.

As most of the parties that general electrified hosted the perceived value at noon was much more exciting than the actual value at midnight. In an attempt to save money and manage as what one WeePee describes as "his cheapness" Fire M had an appetizer buffet and a full bar. This of course added to the roistering attitude of a bunch of field reps from across the country. But while the Co Founder and the sales Manager were trying to take the new female field reps to strip clubs, general electrified was trying, desperately, to buy a company here and a company there. He had his sights set on a successful company in Tennessee that would add enough revenue for a minimal amount of money to make him look as though he had accomplished something over the past year. While all this was going on, general electrified had decided to look for larger office space so he could fabricate the blessings that his family would be giving him.

But it didn't take long for three of the women who had taken part in the initial Vegas training class to leave town without accepting the positions that they were coaxed to get into. Once again the Co Founder and the sales manager had left their mark on the new hires and general electrified would have to deal with another HR fiasco.

Ah, Vegas….

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Training, Vegas Style

The response to not posting has been incredible. I am sorry I missed the last few days but I have been trying to figure out in my mind who was sleeping with who. Vegas was wild in 2006 and with Don and The Co Founder trying to continually do a head count it was difficult to figure out who was coming and going.

This was the first year that the power that wanted to be, general electrified, decided to go to Vegas early and hold a training seminar for a few days. It was an orientation of sorts of new salespeople from around the country. And, as was the apparent initiation process for the sales team, especially the women, a few more hours than had originally had been scheduled had to be spent with middle aged, slobbering drunks in order to get trained.

The company had already been threatened with numerous sexual harassment suits and the in-office training segments usually so a rapid drop out rate after the first "get acquainted" dinner. Vegas certainly didn't change that.

While The Co-founder and I watched as ill advised people, disguised as union employees, attempted to construct the Fire M booth, the training session was going on back at the Riviera. Naturally, general electrified had to address the people that were just joining giving the same canned speech he was brought up on…

"We will be spending a lot of money on product dewelopment this year and we are wery,wery, excited to have you join the team," said the general.

Of course, as he was looking out into the new crowd of recruits he was automatically thinking how stupid this new group of Americans could be. The women, mere targets in his world of hunt and peck, were all eventually going to become "idiots" and he usually decimated the whole group at that evening's executive dinner.

At this particular gathering, he had already commanded one woman back to New Jersey because she had stood up to his foolishness long before the party began. At one moment The Co Founder was running around telling everyone he was going to write a press release telling the industry what a coup it was to steal her from a New England dealer group, while the Sales Manager was demanding she accompany him to a strip club, while the general electrified was preparing to fire her because she was someone he had to look up to. This didn't fly in the Indian hierarchy. Looking up to women, no matter how tall is a slight on one's ego.

Yet in his penny pinching ways, he decided to rent the Frank Sinatra suite to hold an introductory party for all the dealers. His vision was to introduce the training program. This was very important to the company because amongst the crumbs of product that India had managed to under develop this training product would save the company. This of course was just an excuse for general electric to show off to the ever evasive Chairman of the Board, soothing his concern for continual losses. If the general could get The Co founder's father in law to chase windmills with a clear mind of new product launches, the heat would be less to endure.

And, since no dealers ever showed up, opting for gatherings of a more sophisticated, less raucous environ, the general never had to worry about any client speaking of product and delivery inefficiencies.



Tomorrow: If these beds could talk....they can.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Why the dog is lucky

When we last visited Fire M, the general electrified was giving his advice on the new training program he hired Danny Columbo to develop. It is amazing at Fire M, general electrified is like a hound you can't keep on your front porch. It doesn't matter what kind of dog walks by, he has to sniff it's ass. Of course, after that first sniff he gets fickle and moves on to well, another person's idea.... Now I know why they call his wife's dog, in Bombay, Lucky.

When the general was done sniffing, the entire program Columbo had developed was changed from the way it was sold, processed, trained, and implemented. All this from a guy who was thrown out of more car dealerships than he had clients.

But that was the foundation of the company. If any dealer converted monthly costs for this companies products into per lead costs they would see there is more smoke and mirrors in the company's product line than any dealer could ever afford. Yet the spin the company put on their ability to fix the problems the dealers were experiencing was a continual stall tactic as their was nobody qualified in 2006 to fix anything.

The scam became more obvious when the general electrified decided to delve into the world of media and develop an automotive platform that would spit, sputter, and spin out of control. His major problem became more apparent each day as he somehow managed to sell one of the countries major media groups the platform which he had yet to develop. From the first day the project got underway he realized he was in over his head and needed to deflect the problems to the project manager, David Swanson.

Swanson was hired, specifically to manage the project and did a great job of appeasing the Media Group in Denver that contracted to have the project developed. However, when Nell Smashley
continually called the general on his inability to develop something for the number five media group in the country, the general decided Smashley was beneath him.

"She is just stupid. She doesn't what she is doing. She is just a stupid woman in a stupid industry." the general said.

"David, just keep telling them we can accomplish whatever they want. we'll figure something out" he told his project manager.

Smashley was a piece of work who wanted what she had contracted for instead of the Indian spin that the general was so good at. And while the general was bluffing the news group while plagiarizing automotive stories in India, The Co Founder had his sights set on The New York Times, The Boston Globe and Clear Channel for an outlet for thee platform that would never be built.

Aside from the fact that the platform couldn't be built because of pure inefficiency and ill knowledge of a complex industry. Making matters worse, the general was draining the American company from funds because he was developing the automotive platform in Bangalore and paying the company, which his family owned large amounts of money for a platform that would never work.

And while he was floundering, failing, wailing and going deeper into the whole he decided to take the show on the road and contract for a booth at the National Automotive Dealer Association that was humongous compared to year's past.

Let the parties begin...

Tomorrow: If The Frank Sinatra suite could talk