There isno picnic here...

(Blogger's Note: Today we begin a new feature…daily words of wisdom from a CEO.
Each day we will begin the blog with words of wisdom that I have picked up along the way. I have received many of these over the years. When the book, Carboys and Indians is published, they will run in their entirety. Beginning today, we will just publish portions of them. A fun little game, guess when they were written. To begin we will start with very famous words of wisdom, written on July 4, 2008, and sent to little g.e.'s secretary on a national holiday.)

"The following items are not allowed for purchase. DO NOT Order them:

1. Fruits
2. Nesspresso
3. Cheese
4. Meats of any kind
5. Fruit drinks
6. M&Ms
7. Chocolates and candies unless they are specifically ordered by me
8. Potato chips
9. Add to this list

Only the following are to be ordered:
1. Cup of Noodles
2. Approved Energy bars
3. Regular coffee
4. Doritos

Friday lunches are to be restricted to $10/person. Only pizzaz to be ordered until further notice. DO NOT come to me with weekly menus."

And this guy is actually getting paid by auto dealers. No wonder the industry is in trouble....


Now on with the story…

The difference between little g.e., The Co Founder, and myself – I write press releases, realize why they are written, and don't necessarily believe them. They are written for public relation benefit. Little g.e. and The Co Founder believe them. And the brother, Sonny, begs for them. It's all part of the dog and pony show needed to raise money.
The problem of course isn't with the money raising; it's what they do with it once they raise it.

From the sounds of the words of wisdom, stated above, they should be buying stock in Doritos. They really like Doritos.

So needless to say they eventually began to believe they knew something about the auto business. Not true. If you can't market your own company, how can you have a marketing company for auto dealers? If you can't train your own sales people, how can you train those sales people at a dealership?

Fortunately, Danny Columbo knew the training techniques and when little g.e. and The Co Founder let him do his "thing" it worked. As soon as they interfered, the program hit some bumps speed bumps.

But the bumps and glitches really began to appear when the general electrified began to believe the press release written when he purchased the Michigan media company's platform that combined the two things he knew nothing about; automotive sales and newspapers.

As odd as it may seem nobody has ever seen the man read a newspaper. Now he will tell you that he read online, but that would be doubtful, because between late morning office arrivals, lunch, Toblerone chocolate, ( he didn't read the words of wisdom) and office naps little g.e. did nothing more than send out berating emails. And, words of wisdom.

But his venture into newspapers could have been his undoing. His ego was so large he once claimed "I want to be the publisher. Gotcha has always wanted to sleep with a publisher."

But in reality, publishers are pretty good guys. They eat their fair share of Doritos, but they know how to make a group of people come together, on a daily basis and produce a product that hours before didn't exist. And, they do that regularly, without much interruption.

As you can tell, the two industries that little g.e. decided to get into were both based on mass production. Rapid mass production. That made the entire triangle, newspapers, automotive companies, and Fire M a very weak proposition. Fire M could mass produce anything rapidly except emails.

The renting of the new office and the purchasing of the new company came together like bees and blossoms in spring. One day the five man group was sitting in cramped quarters in the financial district and a few days later the entire company was moving to shadows of home plate. It was ironic. The space even had two kitchens.

So it was with the promise of a new beginning, a new home, and a new company that the move came so quickly. And with the new acquisition, little g.e. pictured himself as a power-ful one. And while his vision was blurred because of the napping chocolate afternoons, he refused to increase customer service or support and instead had thoughts of a becoming a reader…

Tomorrow: The pictures of the office blessing. They'll move you…

Training is the blessing

With Danny Columbo's training program hitting new heights, the future of the company looked bright. Training, something the general electrified could never pull off, nor could The Co Founder, would be the perfect product to increase the revenue stream and profit margin. And since little g.e. and his front-man buddy wouldn't be involved, the chances of success was paramount. If we could only get the two to concentrate on wht they were good at the compny might move forward.

One thing for sure, the company was going south. New office space had been acquired and the cramped offices of little g.e. and The Co-Founder would be suddenly made larger. And, the new WeePees could then come, en masse. That in the minds of those who cook other things than food makes all the difference in the world.

Big offices with lobbies and conference room are what makes more insolvent companies seem profitable than any other product they produce. And isn't that the way of the sales world today? If we can't deliver a product let's at least look like we can.

Plus, a bigger office meant that little g.e. could hire his wife, Gotcha, to man one of the cubicles as a marketing/editing professional. The fact that she had no marketing experience and her editing skills of the written language was nill, mattered not.

It was definitely a family thing. Little g.e.'s brother, Sonny, the master mind behind the funding scheme had employeed his wife in Bangalore to handle the books and billing. this created tension between little g.e. and Gotcha. With her continually returning to India to tend to the sick canine, a new office, an iphone and a laptop might just do the trick.

Plus, marketing was not a science to little g.e. it was a spaghetti toss. Throw it against the wall and if it sticks, use it.

Now with the walls closing in on the old space, the nw space gave the company a new image and breathing room.

Plus, Danny Columbo could train Trevor Landem to present to the dealers. The two could increase revenue while Donny Caine and The Co-Founer trained the new salesgirls on how to close a deal.

Tomorrow: A blessing in disguise

Where there's smoke, there's fire...

In the smoke and mirror business there are a few tricks that need to be adhered to so that investors, lenders and partners continue to believe there is hope on the horizon and that the future is bright.

The general electrified was a master at the art of deception- he built a business on it - and his timing was perfect. According to Sal, who was given the boot yesterday from the accounting office, "The guy has never had a successful business". What's more sad is the ones he was acquiring, he was completely destroying through implementation of unlaunchable ideas that came to him after a few visits with captain Morgan - after 6:00 p.m. every evening.

After the Las Vegas fiasco- where he spent more hours in his room ducking those who expected to go to Pebble Beach in March for the "National Championship Tournament" he finally found a company to purchase. By doing so in february, 2007 he would alleviate the grief, aggrevation, and pressure he was getting by failing in the development of his own automotive portal. The way his system is working isn't novel, only this book is.

When general electrified figured out the smoke and mirror business plan here's the way it works- you take an Bangalore company and open an American division. You find an American to become your partner and you develop a product plan that never really comes to fruition. As soon as the product is almost developed you create another function of the product so you are always chasing product completion.

All the while you are billing unbelievable amounts of hours in India to complete the American sales cycle but never manage to do so. Your deliveries are late, customers unhappy and functionality failing continually. as soon as an American employee brings this to the general's attention he or she is either fired or flailed depending on the person. In the case of The Co-Founder, he has been flailed for the past seven plus years and is now just a bull dog puppy in the corner.

At the same time, the parent company is showing increased revenue - on paper- because they are the developmental arm and the longer it takes to develop a product or project the more money they can bill... the American company.

It's a tremedous way to get american funds into the Banks of Bangalore. while using the American auto dealer to do so.

With the purchase of the new company general electrified was able to acquire an automotive portal that would appeal to the newspaper industry and offer an expanded smoke and mirror view of how to take money from American institutions and float it home.

The auto portal acquisition was not announced until March and coincided with the move to the new office. It didn't take long before general electrified began telling people "how stupid" people from Detgroit are. The "WeePee" who had been with the company that Fire M acquired was in for a tumultuos ride. He was doomed as soon as the dotted line was signed.

All that was needed was the blessing of the space to make everyone feel as though the smoke and mirror method may pay off. Merely, another ploy as we had to go and pick up the High Priest on Market St.

Sal's Gone. Back to Vegas

(Blogger's Note: general electrified dumped another one today- this time the accountant. I wonder if they will make a formal announcement that Sal got the boot. This is the third time in two years that the accountant office was cleaned out. Is the reason really the accountant or does it have to do with the practices that go on in that office? Maybe the boys at Silicon Valley Bank and Merrill Lynch could find the answer to that Question.)

Back to the Fire M story…

Oh, Vegas. The NADA. Fire M's management fought for months on whether or not to throw a party for their dealers, but The Co Founder managed to manipulate general electrified into thinking it would be "the right thing to do".

The Sinatra suite was something out of an old movie. The Riviera had seen better days but for a CEO who has employees living in shacks in his hometown, it was a palace for the employees he so aptly disdained. Plus, no dealers ever showed up to the suite except for a few guys from a racing automotive dealer group.

And, for the heads of the sales' departments, mainly The Co Founder and Don Cane, if the hotel had a bar and a bed that was sufficient for adequate action.

As most of the parties that general electrified hosted the perceived value at noon was much more exciting than the actual value at midnight. In an attempt to save money and manage as what one WeePee describes as "his cheapness" Fire M had an appetizer buffet and a full bar. This of course added to the roistering attitude of a bunch of field reps from across the country. But while the Co Founder and the sales Manager were trying to take the new female field reps to strip clubs, general electrified was trying, desperately, to buy a company here and a company there. He had his sights set on a successful company in Tennessee that would add enough revenue for a minimal amount of money to make him look as though he had accomplished something over the past year. While all this was going on, general electrified had decided to look for larger office space so he could fabricate the blessings that his family would be giving him.

But it didn't take long for three of the women who had taken part in the initial Vegas training class to leave town without accepting the positions that they were coaxed to get into. Once again the Co Founder and the sales manager had left their mark on the new hires and general electrified would have to deal with another HR fiasco.

Ah, Vegas….

Training, Vegas Style

The response to not posting has been incredible. I am sorry I missed the last few days but I have been trying to figure out in my mind who was sleeping with who. Vegas was wild in 2006 and with Don and The Co Founder trying to continually do a head count it was difficult to figure out who was coming and going.

This was the first year that the power that wanted to be, general electrified, decided to go to Vegas early and hold a training seminar for a few days. It was an orientation of sorts of new salespeople from around the country. And, as was the apparent initiation process for the sales team, especially the women, a few more hours than had originally had been scheduled had to be spent with middle aged, slobbering drunks in order to get trained.

The company had already been threatened with numerous sexual harassment suits and the in-office training segments usually so a rapid drop out rate after the first "get acquainted" dinner. Vegas certainly didn't change that.

While The Co-founder and I watched as ill advised people, disguised as union employees, attempted to construct the Fire M booth, the training session was going on back at the Riviera. Naturally, general electrified had to address the people that were just joining giving the same canned speech he was brought up on…

"We will be spending a lot of money on product dewelopment this year and we are wery,wery, excited to have you join the team," said the general.

Of course, as he was looking out into the new crowd of recruits he was automatically thinking how stupid this new group of Americans could be. The women, mere targets in his world of hunt and peck, were all eventually going to become "idiots" and he usually decimated the whole group at that evening's executive dinner.

At this particular gathering, he had already commanded one woman back to New Jersey because she had stood up to his foolishness long before the party began. At one moment The Co Founder was running around telling everyone he was going to write a press release telling the industry what a coup it was to steal her from a New England dealer group, while the Sales Manager was demanding she accompany him to a strip club, while the general electrified was preparing to fire her because she was someone he had to look up to. This didn't fly in the Indian hierarchy. Looking up to women, no matter how tall is a slight on one's ego.

Yet in his penny pinching ways, he decided to rent the Frank Sinatra suite to hold an introductory party for all the dealers. His vision was to introduce the training program. This was very important to the company because amongst the crumbs of product that India had managed to under develop this training product would save the company. This of course was just an excuse for general electric to show off to the ever evasive Chairman of the Board, soothing his concern for continual losses. If the general could get The Co founder's father in law to chase windmills with a clear mind of new product launches, the heat would be less to endure.

And, since no dealers ever showed up, opting for gatherings of a more sophisticated, less raucous environ, the general never had to worry about any client speaking of product and delivery inefficiencies.



Tomorrow: If these beds could talk....they can.

Why the dog is lucky

When we last visited Fire M, the general electrified was giving his advice on the new training program he hired Danny Columbo to develop. It is amazing at Fire M, general electrified is like a hound you can't keep on your front porch. It doesn't matter what kind of dog walks by, he has to sniff it's ass. Of course, after that first sniff he gets fickle and moves on to well, another person's idea.... Now I know why they call his wife's dog, in Bombay, Lucky.

When the general was done sniffing, the entire program Columbo had developed was changed from the way it was sold, processed, trained, and implemented. All this from a guy who was thrown out of more car dealerships than he had clients.

But that was the foundation of the company. If any dealer converted monthly costs for this companies products into per lead costs they would see there is more smoke and mirrors in the company's product line than any dealer could ever afford. Yet the spin the company put on their ability to fix the problems the dealers were experiencing was a continual stall tactic as their was nobody qualified in 2006 to fix anything.

The scam became more obvious when the general electrified decided to delve into the world of media and develop an automotive platform that would spit, sputter, and spin out of control. His major problem became more apparent each day as he somehow managed to sell one of the countries major media groups the platform which he had yet to develop. From the first day the project got underway he realized he was in over his head and needed to deflect the problems to the project manager, David Swanson.

Swanson was hired, specifically to manage the project and did a great job of appeasing the Media Group in Denver that contracted to have the project developed. However, when Nell Smashley
continually called the general on his inability to develop something for the number five media group in the country, the general decided Smashley was beneath him.

"She is just stupid. She doesn't what she is doing. She is just a stupid woman in a stupid industry." the general said.

"David, just keep telling them we can accomplish whatever they want. we'll figure something out" he told his project manager.

Smashley was a piece of work who wanted what she had contracted for instead of the Indian spin that the general was so good at. And while the general was bluffing the news group while plagiarizing automotive stories in India, The Co Founder had his sights set on The New York Times, The Boston Globe and Clear Channel for an outlet for thee platform that would never be built.

Aside from the fact that the platform couldn't be built because of pure inefficiency and ill knowledge of a complex industry. Making matters worse, the general was draining the American company from funds because he was developing the automotive platform in Bangalore and paying the company, which his family owned large amounts of money for a platform that would never work.

And while he was floundering, failing, wailing and going deeper into the whole he decided to take the show on the road and contract for a booth at the National Automotive Dealer Association that was humongous compared to year's past.

Let the parties begin...

Tomorrow: If The Frank Sinatra suite could talk

Please pass the Tums

(Blogger's Note: Well, another one bit the dust yesterday, as Fire M did a hatchet job execution on an employee they fought to keep just months ago. Now, this is not to say that the employee shouldn't have been terminated, that's the company's decision. But now there are shouts of racism from this employee. So let's do this. There seems to be enough calls to action here, 12 in all, plus enough upset customers to begin a class action suit. I have contacted an attorney that is willing to take the case. If you are interested in joining this please contact me through the comment section of this blog. I will not publish the comments but will contact you.)

When Danny Columbo threw his finished rendition of the training process on the conference room table, Trevor, Don Crane, and I, along with the general, and The Co Founder all looked at the project with a nod of approval. The team in India had assisted in the creation of a very marketable, saleable product and Columbo was aglow at his accomplishment. He had set about the project in July, completed it by September and was ready to launch, with a monetization model that worked as he had proven with his budget and projections.

Of course, the general had to urinate on the hydrant, immediately claiming the name That Columbo had devised for the program wasn't any good. Now of course the urinating on the hydrant general didn't know why it wasn't any good, it just wasn't because he didn't think of it.

"That name is awful. We have to change it." He said.

"We can't change it, we already sent out emails, marketing it." I said. We knew if we brought it to market without interference from the man who was rocking the boat we might have a winner on our hands.

"I don't care. The dealers are too stupid to read emails, anyway. Nobody saw it," the general said.

"If that be the case, why do we send out all these emails every week?" I asked.

"It's called Branding, John. We have to Brand the products."

After an hour of discussing the merits of his new idea, the training program – which we all referred to as the "Project Hijacking Process" – PHP, we agreed to do it his way.

Then he decided to delve into the numbers. Although it was introduced into the marketplace at one cost, the general immediately decided to raise the price since he had just gotten the financial statements from India and was short on payroll and had lost money for the 29th straight quarter.

At the same time the seven golf tournaments we had held were not sitting very well with the general. The Co founder kept claiming that they were money makers but nobody could produce contracts or revenue projects that would solidify his thinking. We all knew that at lunch the golf tournament was going to get rained out, the price for the training would be increased and discussion of the new company he was trying to buy would be discussed.

"Co-Founder, I think we should stop the golf tournaments. They are not paying for themselves."
said the general.

"General, how do you know that? W have not had any time to analyze the data." The Co Founder added.

"Well, I know they are costing us money and I have not seen anything come back. What am I supposed to do, continue to pay for you guys flying all over the country and playing golf. Danny, last week you stayed in a hotel that cost $96.00 a night. I told you not to spend more than $82.00 a night. Don, you did the same. Whatis going on here. I say we kill them. We certainly are not going to go to Pebble Beach." the general said, angrily.

"Oh, and by the way, we are not doing NADA this year. It never works. We get nothing out of it. I don't even want to see a budget for it. It's just your way of having a party for three days." the general said, looking at The Co Founder.

"And just so you know, I hate the name of the training program. Change it to "i" mething. They'll think we're part of Apple." he added.

"Hey, you, get me some winegar. I need winegar. Now."

Plase pass the Tums...

Tomorrow: NADA really does mean nada...

More Than Just This, That and Cufflinks

Danny Columbo was different. In an office where Blue jeans and t-shirts were the normal apparel of the day –signifying an Internet genre, Columbo appeared as though he had his own style collection. This became know as The Columbo Collection.

His style was so profound that the Co Founder made fun of the man and his ties, expensive suits and his trademark, cufflinks. Columbo was from the school of well dressed, professional auto dealers who were successful businessmen and not the "suckers" the general made them out to be when pricing his products or discussing them in meetings.

This didn't sit well with Columbo, or for anyone for that matter, but we all hoped that when the hybrid training system was completed the general may read it and take it to heart.

"Danny, this is a remarkable product. If this company used it for their foundation and sold their other products on top of this they would be much more successful." I said in a meeting one day as we worked on the first of five training manuals.

"Well, why don't you tell him that?" Columbo asked.

"Tell him that, are you nuts. I am a consultant. He doesn't listen to me. He just uses me to for my ideas and then steals them. He'll do the same with you. Eventually, he'll be pissing on your hydrant, taking your ideas, tweaking them so they look like his and fucking them up. He's doing it with the golf tournament right now."

"How so?" asked Columbo.

"Well, it’s a scam. Do you ever think anyone is ever going to go to Pebble Beach? There is never going to be a Pebble Beach in this company. It will never come to fruition. He will claim that the response wasn't good enough. He's cheap. You know that."

"Yeah, he is cheap. That's for sure," agreed Columbo.

Cheap however was not the problem with the general. Everyone has financial problems when they begin a company. However, they make sure the billing and the products that they are selling are worthy of being billed and that the billing they are doing is legitimate.

It wasn't long after the training program was developed, and was launched with a name that was catchy, described the product and was easily brand able that the general decided the product wasn't very strong. This if course had little to do with the fact that Columbo was essentially a one man show and could develop, train, sell, brand and promote the product without any help from the general and his crack engineering team.
The general saw this as a liability and soon decided to get involved in the training process and procedures in an attempt to reign in his new WeePee of Training.

And, since Columbo had come from an Irvine California company that was readying to sell of a division, the general decided to march on that division and make a move for that company.

Columbo now played an important role in those negotiations. Of course, this process was not without turmoil. Unfortunately for the general, he had his wrist slapped because he thought since one of the ex WeePees of Irvine company worked for him he could raid the coffers of employees without being noticed. Yet his reputation preceded itself and jumping ship for many employees of the other company was not in the cards.

While the general was screwing up the company in America with grandiose plans for fantasy expansion – which included new office space with kitchens and game tables and IKEA cubicles to give the air of a real Internet company, he was filtering his brother in Bangalore- who was the generals only saving grace- a crock of crap that any real investor with an audit committee with see through. Smoke and Mirrors was obviously the financial investment criteria of the day and somehow, somewhere, enough people kicked in enough money to shore up the losses for another decade. Unless someone accepted his offer to buy anything…

Tomorrow: With golf is sputtering its time for the Dawn Fitzpatrick Cape Cod Tournament, or was it New Hampshire?

There isno reason Columbo can't save the company

There is a saying in business that successful businessmen should live by: "Don't ever belief your own press releases." Unfortunately, the general had never understood those words and was developing such an inflated ego he was beginning to think people actually liked him.

Of course, through his constant email campaigns and continual berating of those who would cower like a very unLucky dog, his narcissistic personality and ego was becoming inflated to the point of a little man on Extenz, that new pill that supposedly cures the little man personality complex.

When Danny Columbo walked through the door there was an air of relief. A professional that might serve as a buffer, a go between general electrified and the rest of the staff. We all hoped, especially the women in the company, that Columbo could talk some sense into the general so he would increase customer support to two or three people, would shore up the Mudmaker staff to more than a singularly manned department, and would take heed in the training program that Columbo was developing.

While the dysfunctional dupe paraded around India as the general and co founder, Cane, Columbo, Landem and Delirious diligently worked through the unorganization of the office to develop sales procedures, training manuals and combat the dysfunctionality of the iTunes queen, Ewa, and the bookkeeper, Notmisscampbell.

The progress of the training program, a hybrid of sorts, was injecting hope into a staff that was as deflated as a New Year's Eve balloon on January 3rd. End of the month's were always bad. In an attempt to build up the numbers, the general would berate and threaten the Co Founder into pounding out contracts from dealers, used car lots, or even single sale enterprises so the balance sheet would look good. Whether the money was ever collected mattered not as the book keeping was so fouled and out of sync with normal accounting practices that the developers of QuickBooks couldn't have figured out the system. How could a team of Indian accountants, book keepers and ny=umber guru's not understand book keeping principles?

Each month-end you could hear The Co Founder pounding desks, screaming about numbers and writing hysterically on the dry erase board as though he were on the Chicago Mercantile Floor encouraging buys, sells, puts and shorts from his partially professional, partially confused team in the field. And since the general couldn't launch a watch on time, the Co Founder was constantly behind the eight ball but never near the corner pocket. On top of that, since the products that appeared after the smoke and mirrors cleared were all intangible, the only real sales tool were the monthly power point reports - that were seldom delivered to the client. However, they were some of the most professional looking reports ever constructed as they were one product leaving Bangalore that shined in the doom and gloom of non performance.

B ut alas, Columbo had a tangible product that could immediately produce results and revenue that General Managers and dealer principals could see, and feel, and count. Finally a results driven product that would bring dollars to the bottom line of the dealerships and the Company. Columbo could be the man of the hour and save the entire operation. And, the general knew this. With that in mind, the general decided to parlay his latest creation into the purchase of another company, one that would bring a rspectable name to his stable. Yes, he was in a buying mode, using the business tactic that by acquition revenues increase making the company look stronger.
And since Columbo's product was quickly launch able - it was based on knowledge, training, tools, and implementation - and it could be billed immediately it was the perfect tool to build on. Plus, it could all be accomplished in the USA.

Just think, an Indian company with an American made product. Oops, I shouldn't have suggested that.

Tomorrow: The general gets India involved in that.

Danny Columbo Could save the Day

(Blogger's Note: I would like to ask all of those posting comments to refrain from using real names since there isno reason to get vicious, insulting, and personal on a blog forum that is fictional. Plus, we all know that real people, in the real world of business do not act like the characters in this blog. I mean come on, $60,000.00 on a Mercedes you can barely see over the steering wheel in and then cheat your employees out of commission. Please, get real. On top of that the person then promises to give "the wife" a car so she won't go back to India. That is all fiction. It's out of a Jeffrey Archer styled novel. No company president, or better yet, chariman of the board, would allow someone to hold a leadership position in a company if that ever happened in the real world – unless of course he was padding the books through irresponsible book keeping practices.

When Don Crane walked in the office the few employees that came into the office on a regular basis were interested in how he would change the dysfunctional relationship that the duo – general electrified and The Co Founder had established.

Odds are, many said, that Don would be sucked into the crossfires of the idea thief and the "yes" man. However, when Danny Columbo showed up and joined the company with new ideas and a satchel full of projectors, gadgets, gizmos, trinkets and toys, there was excitement and a buzz around the office that finally the duo would listen to the new group of intelligent people who each had eperience in the real world. Word spread quickly throughout the corporate headquarters and the field that an automotive professional had joined the team and suddenly training would have structure, substance, focus and integrity. A new day was on the horizon.

It didn't take long for Danny to learn the ropes. Soon after his arrival the Dysfuntional duo headed off to Bangalore to check resources and to act busy. It was actually one of the frequent trips to India to check the books and make sure the accounting was being done correctly. With loan apps at the bank the books had to sparkle. At least the pages needed to look in order.

But back in the states Columbo was investigating the opportunity of a new program development that would offer dealers Internet sales training for the departments that so many dealers had developed to handle the leads being generated by this new advertising media.

Plus, if the dealerships really bought the smoke and mirror package, with the mudmaker add on they were all worried that they would need some help or else they would lose all the leads coming in the door.

Columbo came to the company with years of experience both in the world of dealerships and in the automotive Internet sphere. He had worked for a successful company that had numerous divisions that dealt with delearships large and small. However, the plan he had for training dealers and marketing the services was something of a brainchild Columbo had developed while on the plan from Southern California to the San Francisco offices.
I'll never forget the first time he explained the scenario to me.

"You're going to love this," he said, "I have this plan for dealership training and it will revolutionize the industry. The process and procedure makes sense not only for the general managers, but also for the Internet sales managers and the sales people who are coming off the floor to sell over the Internet."

After a brief explanation and outline I was curious as to why Fire M didn't use this training for their staff of sales representatives. And, I also wanted know why the company was all over the board drifting in and out of processes and procedure for their product when they could adopt a training package, sell it to the dealers and add products on to the package as the dealer needed, increasing sales and profits.

"THAT is a great idea," said Trevor Landem, adding " It will never fly, these two won't implement an idea unless they come up with it." Or steal it.

Tomorrow: If you like that, You'll love this.

The Delerious Mudmaker Program

(Blogger's Note: Ah, Friday. Pizza Friday at Fire M headquarters. A very interesting comment was posted yesterday from an ex employee who worked at Fire M headquarters in India. We'll touch on this more on Monday after my sources give me the skinny on why the chubby cut bait and believing his propoganda. Remember the premise for Slumdog Millionaire when the host of the show turns on the contestant. The same holds true for Fire M, except you never know when yor the contestant. take The Co Founder, he has ben the subject of executive abuse for seven nine years and he still hasn't completely cracked. But I will say this, you can't blame Lady M -she is just taking orders from general electrified. His brittle defense, independently speaking, is that Da Bank needs to see numbers. And, since his numbers suck, he has to blame everyone else for not producing so his teflon persona is still shining with the board of directors. If the board would stop chasing windmills and analyze how many people were fired or have left the company they could then ascertain there is a problem from the top down, not the bottom up. There is an unwritten rule that generals never go to the front line but they do contribute something other than berating emails asking where are the Doritos. And I don't mean the brothers.)

But now back to today's tale.

When Don Cane showed up with thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. general electrified refused to take advice from anyone of his consultants or employees. He would immediately absorb the information and offer his standard "We'll take a decision on this tomorrow." That was code for "I am going to take your idea, tell you it will not work, file it and then reintroduce it as my own in a few weeks."

When I was first informed of this process by The Co Founder and later the lead salesperson in the company's west coast office, Trevor Landem, I thought the two guys were just frustrated with the non progress of the company. However, after Don Cane, the CO Founder and Trevor all began to speak the same language I had believed them.

"Trevor, how long have you been here?" I asked one day when general electrified and The Co Founder were in India with Don Cane.

"Almost since the beginning. And it has been very interesting. These guys are lost. We need to get some executives in here to straighten them out." Trevor said.

"Well, Don looks like he might be a good guy." I added.

"Oh, Don's great. It's not the employees; it's the Co-Founder and the general. They don't have a clue. The Co Founder gets thrown out of every dealership he goes into because he's so rude and the Co Founder thinks everyone is beneath him. You can't run a company like that. Your customers have to come first."

"Trevor, you sound a little frustrated?"

"Frustrated. I have seven sites waiting to get done. They are six months behind on a simple web site. Delirious, over there is so far behind on SEO marketing that we are charging dealers for nice reports, confusing them and telling them if they don't pay we'll shut them off. That would be lucky."

Delirious, the Mudmaker program manager that program hyped as the savior of the auto industry. The copycat application was so employee heavy that the product couldn't turn a profit. However, general electrified did do one thing right – he utilized his talented graphic department in Bangalore to develop power point reports filled with data and charts that would confuse most dealers.

If it weren't for the craft, skill and dedication of the graphic team in India, there isno reason that Fire M could brag about product.

But with Don Cane in place, supposedly capturing the reigns of pseudo power from The Co Founder, with Trevor Landem still selling and handling customers, with Eddie Moringer on the east coast and what the Co Founder referred to as his girls in the northwest, Midwest and the Heartland things seemed to be moving in the right direction.

Although the golf tournaments were shaky, attendance poor, and sales were down, there was hope on the horizon. And it all had to with training. You're gonna love this.

"Mike, could you pass me a slice of sundried tomato"....


Monday: Danny Columbo walks out of the flame, into the fire.

He who caste the first stone

(Blogger's Note: If you happen to work for a company with offices in San Francisco and Bangalore, who has an owner who flies who has not had a smooth product launch since Orville Wright landed, who thinks employees are idiots, customers suckers and American's stupid, do not read this blog on company time or on a browser that uses one of the guy's servers - he's having your browsers tracked. When paranoia sets in the truth must really hurt.)

Here' the drill for Fire M - 40 calls a day, 5 days a week. that's 200 calls a week. Multiply that by 30 sales people and you have 600 calls a week. With 20,000 automotive dealers across the country every one of them would have been called in less than three months. The boiler room operation that general electrified developed with the help of The Co Founder was similar to dialing for dollars. However, the effectiveness of it was ridiculously callous. To make matters worse, an Indian call-center would make inroductory calls, while reading from a script written by a writer who knew nothing about the auto industry.

The marketing and sales plan that general electrified implemented with the help of The Co Founder, when they first stated selling outside of their region made throwing a dart at a map to define a location look almost scientific. They were fortunate enough to hire two professional salespeople who both had automotive experience - one o n the east coast and one on the west coast. But rather than listen to the two of them general electrified prodded The Co Founder to abuse the two of them as though they were all part of some Caste Society that general electrified oversaw.

You may be able to take the boy out of the caste, but you can't stop him from casting stones and abusive insults.

When Don Cane joined the company his job was defined on the map on his wall. Until 2005 nobody in the company researched dealer penetration, need, competition or even how many dealers were Inernet savvy. It was strictly a seat of the pants operation that charged premium prices for subterreanean products.

And, since their was no [ublished rate card, evey dealer or dealer group paid a different amount of money.

When cane joined the company, two essential elements began to form: Cane charted a course with some semblance of organization and he decided to hire trainable people who could carry the message to the dealers. For once there was light at the end of the tunnel and we thought general electrified might finally play a role in what he claimed he was good at- customer support which was failing so rapidly it was costing the company clients, compensation, and future customers.
And, there isno reason for that.

No Day at The Beach

After numerous emails and snail mail invitations to potential customers in the company's backyard- San Francisco – the company managed to beg, borrow and plead for 16 participants. Thanks to Don Cane there were contests and prizes at every hole and on the morning of the tournament it appeared that the response from the auto dealers in the Bay Area was better than expected. The Livermore Valley course proved to be a challenge for the golfers and the representatives of the company.

Of course, general electrified didn't show up to golf and only made an appearance at about 3:00 p.m. Naturally, his first question was whether we had sold anything as he thought it would be normal for a group of golfers to sign up for smoke and mirror products between swings.

Needless to say the golf tournaments – only eight of them- turned out to be a disaster. And since the company had no sales tracking to speak of, general electrified said they didn't bring in any revenue and The Co-Founder continues to profess they were the best promotion the company ever had. Both may be right. And of course, nobody ever went to Pebble Beach- a sham of sorts- but that's the foundation of this fictional company.

And the company, Fire M, an acronym for Fictional Results Marketing, is based on smoke and mirror products.

To Fire M's advantage, there is a serious disconnect between many automotive dealers and the Internet. For two guys who knew absolutely nothing about the automotive industry except that they wanted to eventually buy luxury cars, (general electric can barely drive, there is a victim in India who will second that statement, if he were able), it is remarkable they have grown Fire M to the proportion they have. This isn't because of the products the company offers or the sales tools they offer their sales team. The Fire M success story is based on the fact that auto dealers were at first hesitant of the Internet and then they were enamored by it once they felt they were falling behind the competition.

Hence a handful of companies, Fire M included, began to gain ground in the automotive community. And while the dealers fell for the products, sales pitches, contracts that were being sold, the manufacturers turned their backs on many of the companies that were throwing their hats into the ring.

So when general electrified refers to potential clients as "suckers" he isn't far off the mark.

Tomorrow: How Fire M mapped out their territories.