Cancellation procedure words of wisdom

Bloggers Note: Today's words of wisdom deal with cancellations. Having the auditors of a Silicon Valley Bank explain what constitutes a "cancellation" little g.e. decided he had better send out his words of wisdom dealing with the fact that some clients had been billed a year after they had cancelled.

"Team

Please follow the process for cancellations as given below diligently. Do not deviate from this. Our cancellations will be around 15% this year and we have to keep a close watch on it. Further, accounting is not authorized to deal with support issues or client complaints. If they come across a client using that as a means for not paying bills or otherwise not meeting commitments, the issue has to be escalated to the proper business head and not responded to.

All, I need process compliance from accounting. This is becoming a point of failure for the organization.
We will not be forwarding cancellation notices to India office mindlessly as we have been doing in the past. Here is the process on receipt of a cancellation from a client:

1. Do a client account analysis with the following information:
a. Date of first billing
b. Amount billed to date
c. Amount collected to date
d. Bills that are currently due along with list of bills
e. Amount of final bill as per the contract. The bill is not raised at this point, until we have negotiated and closed the contract with the client.
f. Stop billing template.
2. Write a short note on the account and enclose bill copies, contract, cancellation notice etc and send to the business head. This will be done by the accounts manager responsible for that division.
3. Business head will take action on this and get back within 7 days on final billing, negotiated amount etc.
Regds
little g.e."

That's not bad. After being in business for seven years the President finally came up with a billing cancellation policy. In the world of his denial, if you don't address the problem, it may go away. I doubt it.

And now, on with the story….

While pressure was mounting financially due to client cancellations that were increasing little g.e. didn't know how to resolve the problems. Having signed a new lease before the company's other space was sublet made for a much greater than normal negative cash flow. On to of this, the money man his brother Sonny was losing patience and financial backing was becoming scarce. To make matters worse, the media company little g.e. purchased was not the answer the Denver based newspaper company was looking for and we were beginning to get threats from the newspaper division that clients would soon be cancelling their contracts with Fire M since the company couldn't deliver that product either.

The Vice President of the media division, Mick Mattdonald had been advising little g.e. from the first day of the acquisition that support needed to be healthier and that the customer service department which was the foundation of the media company could not be dissolved.

"Don't tell me how to sell my products, Mick, I am the greatest sales person this company has ever seen. I built empires in India. I know more than anyone. I will run this company the way I want and if you know what's good for you, you will obey me," said the narcisistic President. "And make sure that you do all your development in India. I don't care if it adds three weeks to the delivery date. The clients are stupid anyway," little g.e. added.

With more balls in the air than a practice session just before a Detroit Piston's game little g.e. had begun to crack. His demeanor was changing; he was becoming more sarcastic, rude and foolish while clients, employees and even the company receptionist knew that the problems stemmed from product deficiency and lack of customer support. One of the company's major weaknesses was to attempt to develop products under the cheap tactics of the president and not understanding why the products never made it to market without glitches.

One of the tagline excuses the company constantly used to fend off complaints from the sales department- usually delivered by the head engineer in charge of development - was that "nobody ever launches a product on time…" Ironically, little g.e. is so bad in his business practices that he not only couldn't launch a product that he developed on time, he would actually buy companies that were launching on time and ruin them – almost over night.

But the cheapness that continuously contributes to the failure of the company and its product line, never affected the Mercedes driving, booze chugging, Toblerone munching, self appointed playboy, little g.e. A night out with the self anointed mini stud was like an episode out of a 1980's Fern bar sitcom. With his canned lines of chatter directed towards women who he considered prey, the little guy was pathetic. At one tavern in town his name sits on a board above the bar because he paid for, and drank a $300.00 shot of Tequila. One evening, after an afternoon of drinking shots out of a $50.00 bottle of rum he decided to attempt to proposition a waitress at a Sausalito Chinese restaurant. With more guts than most of his employees he was persuaded to F*&% off. Fortunately for the waitress, his cheapness was not picking up the tab or leaving the tip.

Traits such as these and the power that he was given by being born into the upper level of the caste system have all contributed to the downfall of his company and product line. At one point in a product development meeting the Chairman of the Board, asked when he would be delivering a certain product and little g.e. lied to his face knowing that neither the product nor the marketing campaign to back it up would be delivered by the date suggested.

While little g.e. was attempting to find investors, he was also fighting the sexual harassment battles that were surfacing from actions of his sales manager. The company's policy manual was a work of contradictory art and the company's outsourced HR company had it hands more full than the sales manager and The Co Founder. It seemed like weekly notifications by female employees who were either forced out of the company or ran like hell after words of wisdom from management were presented in one pathetic form or another. Attempts by some members of management to pursue inter office affairs were water cooler fodder. And while the expense accounts of travelling management soared – usually in first class- support dwindled, profits became more distant, the training program had stalled and the Pebble Beach golf tournament cancellation caused some hard feelings between clients, golfers, and one attendee who claimed, " I knew the cheap bastard would never pull off Pebble Beach. It was just another one of his scams…"

Tomorrow: The Toyota Corporate Dinner... Let's talk training…

There isno picnic here...

(Blogger's Note: Today we begin a new feature…daily words of wisdom from a CEO.
Each day we will begin the blog with words of wisdom that I have picked up along the way. I have received many of these over the years. When the book, Carboys and Indians is published, they will run in their entirety. Beginning today, we will just publish portions of them. A fun little game, guess when they were written. To begin we will start with very famous words of wisdom, written on July 4, 2008, and sent to little g.e.'s secretary on a national holiday.)

"The following items are not allowed for purchase. DO NOT Order them:

1. Fruits
2. Nesspresso
3. Cheese
4. Meats of any kind
5. Fruit drinks
6. M&Ms
7. Chocolates and candies unless they are specifically ordered by me
8. Potato chips
9. Add to this list

Only the following are to be ordered:
1. Cup of Noodles
2. Approved Energy bars
3. Regular coffee
4. Doritos

Friday lunches are to be restricted to $10/person. Only pizzaz to be ordered until further notice. DO NOT come to me with weekly menus."

And this guy is actually getting paid by auto dealers. No wonder the industry is in trouble....


Now on with the story…

The difference between little g.e., The Co Founder, and myself – I write press releases, realize why they are written, and don't necessarily believe them. They are written for public relation benefit. Little g.e. and The Co Founder believe them. And the brother, Sonny, begs for them. It's all part of the dog and pony show needed to raise money.
The problem of course isn't with the money raising; it's what they do with it once they raise it.

From the sounds of the words of wisdom, stated above, they should be buying stock in Doritos. They really like Doritos.

So needless to say they eventually began to believe they knew something about the auto business. Not true. If you can't market your own company, how can you have a marketing company for auto dealers? If you can't train your own sales people, how can you train those sales people at a dealership?

Fortunately, Danny Columbo knew the training techniques and when little g.e. and The Co Founder let him do his "thing" it worked. As soon as they interfered, the program hit some bumps speed bumps.

But the bumps and glitches really began to appear when the general electrified began to believe the press release written when he purchased the Michigan media company's platform that combined the two things he knew nothing about; automotive sales and newspapers.

As odd as it may seem nobody has ever seen the man read a newspaper. Now he will tell you that he read online, but that would be doubtful, because between late morning office arrivals, lunch, Toblerone chocolate, ( he didn't read the words of wisdom) and office naps little g.e. did nothing more than send out berating emails. And, words of wisdom.

But his venture into newspapers could have been his undoing. His ego was so large he once claimed "I want to be the publisher. Gotcha has always wanted to sleep with a publisher."

But in reality, publishers are pretty good guys. They eat their fair share of Doritos, but they know how to make a group of people come together, on a daily basis and produce a product that hours before didn't exist. And, they do that regularly, without much interruption.

As you can tell, the two industries that little g.e. decided to get into were both based on mass production. Rapid mass production. That made the entire triangle, newspapers, automotive companies, and Fire M a very weak proposition. Fire M could mass produce anything rapidly except emails.

The renting of the new office and the purchasing of the new company came together like bees and blossoms in spring. One day the five man group was sitting in cramped quarters in the financial district and a few days later the entire company was moving to shadows of home plate. It was ironic. The space even had two kitchens.

So it was with the promise of a new beginning, a new home, and a new company that the move came so quickly. And with the new acquisition, little g.e. pictured himself as a power-ful one. And while his vision was blurred because of the napping chocolate afternoons, he refused to increase customer service or support and instead had thoughts of a becoming a reader…

Tomorrow: The pictures of the office blessing. They'll move you…

Training is the blessing

With Danny Columbo's training program hitting new heights, the future of the company looked bright. Training, something the general electrified could never pull off, nor could The Co Founder, would be the perfect product to increase the revenue stream and profit margin. And since little g.e. and his front-man buddy wouldn't be involved, the chances of success was paramount. If we could only get the two to concentrate on wht they were good at the compny might move forward.

One thing for sure, the company was going south. New office space had been acquired and the cramped offices of little g.e. and The Co-Founder would be suddenly made larger. And, the new WeePees could then come, en masse. That in the minds of those who cook other things than food makes all the difference in the world.

Big offices with lobbies and conference room are what makes more insolvent companies seem profitable than any other product they produce. And isn't that the way of the sales world today? If we can't deliver a product let's at least look like we can.

Plus, a bigger office meant that little g.e. could hire his wife, Gotcha, to man one of the cubicles as a marketing/editing professional. The fact that she had no marketing experience and her editing skills of the written language was nill, mattered not.

It was definitely a family thing. Little g.e.'s brother, Sonny, the master mind behind the funding scheme had employeed his wife in Bangalore to handle the books and billing. this created tension between little g.e. and Gotcha. With her continually returning to India to tend to the sick canine, a new office, an iphone and a laptop might just do the trick.

Plus, marketing was not a science to little g.e. it was a spaghetti toss. Throw it against the wall and if it sticks, use it.

Now with the walls closing in on the old space, the nw space gave the company a new image and breathing room.

Plus, Danny Columbo could train Trevor Landem to present to the dealers. The two could increase revenue while Donny Caine and The Co-Founer trained the new salesgirls on how to close a deal.

Tomorrow: A blessing in disguise

Where there's smoke, there's fire...

In the smoke and mirror business there are a few tricks that need to be adhered to so that investors, lenders and partners continue to believe there is hope on the horizon and that the future is bright.

The general electrified was a master at the art of deception- he built a business on it - and his timing was perfect. According to Sal, who was given the boot yesterday from the accounting office, "The guy has never had a successful business". What's more sad is the ones he was acquiring, he was completely destroying through implementation of unlaunchable ideas that came to him after a few visits with captain Morgan - after 6:00 p.m. every evening.

After the Las Vegas fiasco- where he spent more hours in his room ducking those who expected to go to Pebble Beach in March for the "National Championship Tournament" he finally found a company to purchase. By doing so in february, 2007 he would alleviate the grief, aggrevation, and pressure he was getting by failing in the development of his own automotive portal. The way his system is working isn't novel, only this book is.

When general electrified figured out the smoke and mirror business plan here's the way it works- you take an Bangalore company and open an American division. You find an American to become your partner and you develop a product plan that never really comes to fruition. As soon as the product is almost developed you create another function of the product so you are always chasing product completion.

All the while you are billing unbelievable amounts of hours in India to complete the American sales cycle but never manage to do so. Your deliveries are late, customers unhappy and functionality failing continually. as soon as an American employee brings this to the general's attention he or she is either fired or flailed depending on the person. In the case of The Co-Founder, he has been flailed for the past seven plus years and is now just a bull dog puppy in the corner.

At the same time, the parent company is showing increased revenue - on paper- because they are the developmental arm and the longer it takes to develop a product or project the more money they can bill... the American company.

It's a tremedous way to get american funds into the Banks of Bangalore. while using the American auto dealer to do so.

With the purchase of the new company general electrified was able to acquire an automotive portal that would appeal to the newspaper industry and offer an expanded smoke and mirror view of how to take money from American institutions and float it home.

The auto portal acquisition was not announced until March and coincided with the move to the new office. It didn't take long before general electrified began telling people "how stupid" people from Detgroit are. The "WeePee" who had been with the company that Fire M acquired was in for a tumultuos ride. He was doomed as soon as the dotted line was signed.

All that was needed was the blessing of the space to make everyone feel as though the smoke and mirror method may pay off. Merely, another ploy as we had to go and pick up the High Priest on Market St.

Sal's Gone. Back to Vegas

(Blogger's Note: general electrified dumped another one today- this time the accountant. I wonder if they will make a formal announcement that Sal got the boot. This is the third time in two years that the accountant office was cleaned out. Is the reason really the accountant or does it have to do with the practices that go on in that office? Maybe the boys at Silicon Valley Bank and Merrill Lynch could find the answer to that Question.)

Back to the Fire M story…

Oh, Vegas. The NADA. Fire M's management fought for months on whether or not to throw a party for their dealers, but The Co Founder managed to manipulate general electrified into thinking it would be "the right thing to do".

The Sinatra suite was something out of an old movie. The Riviera had seen better days but for a CEO who has employees living in shacks in his hometown, it was a palace for the employees he so aptly disdained. Plus, no dealers ever showed up to the suite except for a few guys from a racing automotive dealer group.

And, for the heads of the sales' departments, mainly The Co Founder and Don Cane, if the hotel had a bar and a bed that was sufficient for adequate action.

As most of the parties that general electrified hosted the perceived value at noon was much more exciting than the actual value at midnight. In an attempt to save money and manage as what one WeePee describes as "his cheapness" Fire M had an appetizer buffet and a full bar. This of course added to the roistering attitude of a bunch of field reps from across the country. But while the Co Founder and the sales Manager were trying to take the new female field reps to strip clubs, general electrified was trying, desperately, to buy a company here and a company there. He had his sights set on a successful company in Tennessee that would add enough revenue for a minimal amount of money to make him look as though he had accomplished something over the past year. While all this was going on, general electrified had decided to look for larger office space so he could fabricate the blessings that his family would be giving him.

But it didn't take long for three of the women who had taken part in the initial Vegas training class to leave town without accepting the positions that they were coaxed to get into. Once again the Co Founder and the sales manager had left their mark on the new hires and general electrified would have to deal with another HR fiasco.

Ah, Vegas….

Training, Vegas Style

The response to not posting has been incredible. I am sorry I missed the last few days but I have been trying to figure out in my mind who was sleeping with who. Vegas was wild in 2006 and with Don and The Co Founder trying to continually do a head count it was difficult to figure out who was coming and going.

This was the first year that the power that wanted to be, general electrified, decided to go to Vegas early and hold a training seminar for a few days. It was an orientation of sorts of new salespeople from around the country. And, as was the apparent initiation process for the sales team, especially the women, a few more hours than had originally had been scheduled had to be spent with middle aged, slobbering drunks in order to get trained.

The company had already been threatened with numerous sexual harassment suits and the in-office training segments usually so a rapid drop out rate after the first "get acquainted" dinner. Vegas certainly didn't change that.

While The Co-founder and I watched as ill advised people, disguised as union employees, attempted to construct the Fire M booth, the training session was going on back at the Riviera. Naturally, general electrified had to address the people that were just joining giving the same canned speech he was brought up on…

"We will be spending a lot of money on product dewelopment this year and we are wery,wery, excited to have you join the team," said the general.

Of course, as he was looking out into the new crowd of recruits he was automatically thinking how stupid this new group of Americans could be. The women, mere targets in his world of hunt and peck, were all eventually going to become "idiots" and he usually decimated the whole group at that evening's executive dinner.

At this particular gathering, he had already commanded one woman back to New Jersey because she had stood up to his foolishness long before the party began. At one moment The Co Founder was running around telling everyone he was going to write a press release telling the industry what a coup it was to steal her from a New England dealer group, while the Sales Manager was demanding she accompany him to a strip club, while the general electrified was preparing to fire her because she was someone he had to look up to. This didn't fly in the Indian hierarchy. Looking up to women, no matter how tall is a slight on one's ego.

Yet in his penny pinching ways, he decided to rent the Frank Sinatra suite to hold an introductory party for all the dealers. His vision was to introduce the training program. This was very important to the company because amongst the crumbs of product that India had managed to under develop this training product would save the company. This of course was just an excuse for general electric to show off to the ever evasive Chairman of the Board, soothing his concern for continual losses. If the general could get The Co founder's father in law to chase windmills with a clear mind of new product launches, the heat would be less to endure.

And, since no dealers ever showed up, opting for gatherings of a more sophisticated, less raucous environ, the general never had to worry about any client speaking of product and delivery inefficiencies.



Tomorrow: If these beds could talk....they can.

Why the dog is lucky

When we last visited Fire M, the general electrified was giving his advice on the new training program he hired Danny Columbo to develop. It is amazing at Fire M, general electrified is like a hound you can't keep on your front porch. It doesn't matter what kind of dog walks by, he has to sniff it's ass. Of course, after that first sniff he gets fickle and moves on to well, another person's idea.... Now I know why they call his wife's dog, in Bombay, Lucky.

When the general was done sniffing, the entire program Columbo had developed was changed from the way it was sold, processed, trained, and implemented. All this from a guy who was thrown out of more car dealerships than he had clients.

But that was the foundation of the company. If any dealer converted monthly costs for this companies products into per lead costs they would see there is more smoke and mirrors in the company's product line than any dealer could ever afford. Yet the spin the company put on their ability to fix the problems the dealers were experiencing was a continual stall tactic as their was nobody qualified in 2006 to fix anything.

The scam became more obvious when the general electrified decided to delve into the world of media and develop an automotive platform that would spit, sputter, and spin out of control. His major problem became more apparent each day as he somehow managed to sell one of the countries major media groups the platform which he had yet to develop. From the first day the project got underway he realized he was in over his head and needed to deflect the problems to the project manager, David Swanson.

Swanson was hired, specifically to manage the project and did a great job of appeasing the Media Group in Denver that contracted to have the project developed. However, when Nell Smashley
continually called the general on his inability to develop something for the number five media group in the country, the general decided Smashley was beneath him.

"She is just stupid. She doesn't what she is doing. She is just a stupid woman in a stupid industry." the general said.

"David, just keep telling them we can accomplish whatever they want. we'll figure something out" he told his project manager.

Smashley was a piece of work who wanted what she had contracted for instead of the Indian spin that the general was so good at. And while the general was bluffing the news group while plagiarizing automotive stories in India, The Co Founder had his sights set on The New York Times, The Boston Globe and Clear Channel for an outlet for thee platform that would never be built.

Aside from the fact that the platform couldn't be built because of pure inefficiency and ill knowledge of a complex industry. Making matters worse, the general was draining the American company from funds because he was developing the automotive platform in Bangalore and paying the company, which his family owned large amounts of money for a platform that would never work.

And while he was floundering, failing, wailing and going deeper into the whole he decided to take the show on the road and contract for a booth at the National Automotive Dealer Association that was humongous compared to year's past.

Let the parties begin...

Tomorrow: If The Frank Sinatra suite could talk

Please pass the Tums

(Blogger's Note: Well, another one bit the dust yesterday, as Fire M did a hatchet job execution on an employee they fought to keep just months ago. Now, this is not to say that the employee shouldn't have been terminated, that's the company's decision. But now there are shouts of racism from this employee. So let's do this. There seems to be enough calls to action here, 12 in all, plus enough upset customers to begin a class action suit. I have contacted an attorney that is willing to take the case. If you are interested in joining this please contact me through the comment section of this blog. I will not publish the comments but will contact you.)

When Danny Columbo threw his finished rendition of the training process on the conference room table, Trevor, Don Crane, and I, along with the general, and The Co Founder all looked at the project with a nod of approval. The team in India had assisted in the creation of a very marketable, saleable product and Columbo was aglow at his accomplishment. He had set about the project in July, completed it by September and was ready to launch, with a monetization model that worked as he had proven with his budget and projections.

Of course, the general had to urinate on the hydrant, immediately claiming the name That Columbo had devised for the program wasn't any good. Now of course the urinating on the hydrant general didn't know why it wasn't any good, it just wasn't because he didn't think of it.

"That name is awful. We have to change it." He said.

"We can't change it, we already sent out emails, marketing it." I said. We knew if we brought it to market without interference from the man who was rocking the boat we might have a winner on our hands.

"I don't care. The dealers are too stupid to read emails, anyway. Nobody saw it," the general said.

"If that be the case, why do we send out all these emails every week?" I asked.

"It's called Branding, John. We have to Brand the products."

After an hour of discussing the merits of his new idea, the training program – which we all referred to as the "Project Hijacking Process" – PHP, we agreed to do it his way.

Then he decided to delve into the numbers. Although it was introduced into the marketplace at one cost, the general immediately decided to raise the price since he had just gotten the financial statements from India and was short on payroll and had lost money for the 29th straight quarter.

At the same time the seven golf tournaments we had held were not sitting very well with the general. The Co founder kept claiming that they were money makers but nobody could produce contracts or revenue projects that would solidify his thinking. We all knew that at lunch the golf tournament was going to get rained out, the price for the training would be increased and discussion of the new company he was trying to buy would be discussed.

"Co-Founder, I think we should stop the golf tournaments. They are not paying for themselves."
said the general.

"General, how do you know that? W have not had any time to analyze the data." The Co Founder added.

"Well, I know they are costing us money and I have not seen anything come back. What am I supposed to do, continue to pay for you guys flying all over the country and playing golf. Danny, last week you stayed in a hotel that cost $96.00 a night. I told you not to spend more than $82.00 a night. Don, you did the same. Whatis going on here. I say we kill them. We certainly are not going to go to Pebble Beach." the general said, angrily.

"Oh, and by the way, we are not doing NADA this year. It never works. We get nothing out of it. I don't even want to see a budget for it. It's just your way of having a party for three days." the general said, looking at The Co Founder.

"And just so you know, I hate the name of the training program. Change it to "i" mething. They'll think we're part of Apple." he added.

"Hey, you, get me some winegar. I need winegar. Now."

Plase pass the Tums...

Tomorrow: NADA really does mean nada...

More Than Just This, That and Cufflinks

Danny Columbo was different. In an office where Blue jeans and t-shirts were the normal apparel of the day –signifying an Internet genre, Columbo appeared as though he had his own style collection. This became know as The Columbo Collection.

His style was so profound that the Co Founder made fun of the man and his ties, expensive suits and his trademark, cufflinks. Columbo was from the school of well dressed, professional auto dealers who were successful businessmen and not the "suckers" the general made them out to be when pricing his products or discussing them in meetings.

This didn't sit well with Columbo, or for anyone for that matter, but we all hoped that when the hybrid training system was completed the general may read it and take it to heart.

"Danny, this is a remarkable product. If this company used it for their foundation and sold their other products on top of this they would be much more successful." I said in a meeting one day as we worked on the first of five training manuals.

"Well, why don't you tell him that?" Columbo asked.

"Tell him that, are you nuts. I am a consultant. He doesn't listen to me. He just uses me to for my ideas and then steals them. He'll do the same with you. Eventually, he'll be pissing on your hydrant, taking your ideas, tweaking them so they look like his and fucking them up. He's doing it with the golf tournament right now."

"How so?" asked Columbo.

"Well, it’s a scam. Do you ever think anyone is ever going to go to Pebble Beach? There is never going to be a Pebble Beach in this company. It will never come to fruition. He will claim that the response wasn't good enough. He's cheap. You know that."

"Yeah, he is cheap. That's for sure," agreed Columbo.

Cheap however was not the problem with the general. Everyone has financial problems when they begin a company. However, they make sure the billing and the products that they are selling are worthy of being billed and that the billing they are doing is legitimate.

It wasn't long after the training program was developed, and was launched with a name that was catchy, described the product and was easily brand able that the general decided the product wasn't very strong. This if course had little to do with the fact that Columbo was essentially a one man show and could develop, train, sell, brand and promote the product without any help from the general and his crack engineering team.
The general saw this as a liability and soon decided to get involved in the training process and procedures in an attempt to reign in his new WeePee of Training.

And, since Columbo had come from an Irvine California company that was readying to sell of a division, the general decided to march on that division and make a move for that company.

Columbo now played an important role in those negotiations. Of course, this process was not without turmoil. Unfortunately for the general, he had his wrist slapped because he thought since one of the ex WeePees of Irvine company worked for him he could raid the coffers of employees without being noticed. Yet his reputation preceded itself and jumping ship for many employees of the other company was not in the cards.

While the general was screwing up the company in America with grandiose plans for fantasy expansion – which included new office space with kitchens and game tables and IKEA cubicles to give the air of a real Internet company, he was filtering his brother in Bangalore- who was the generals only saving grace- a crock of crap that any real investor with an audit committee with see through. Smoke and Mirrors was obviously the financial investment criteria of the day and somehow, somewhere, enough people kicked in enough money to shore up the losses for another decade. Unless someone accepted his offer to buy anything…

Tomorrow: With golf is sputtering its time for the Dawn Fitzpatrick Cape Cod Tournament, or was it New Hampshire?

There isno reason Columbo can't save the company

There is a saying in business that successful businessmen should live by: "Don't ever belief your own press releases." Unfortunately, the general had never understood those words and was developing such an inflated ego he was beginning to think people actually liked him.

Of course, through his constant email campaigns and continual berating of those who would cower like a very unLucky dog, his narcissistic personality and ego was becoming inflated to the point of a little man on Extenz, that new pill that supposedly cures the little man personality complex.

When Danny Columbo walked through the door there was an air of relief. A professional that might serve as a buffer, a go between general electrified and the rest of the staff. We all hoped, especially the women in the company, that Columbo could talk some sense into the general so he would increase customer support to two or three people, would shore up the Mudmaker staff to more than a singularly manned department, and would take heed in the training program that Columbo was developing.

While the dysfunctional dupe paraded around India as the general and co founder, Cane, Columbo, Landem and Delirious diligently worked through the unorganization of the office to develop sales procedures, training manuals and combat the dysfunctionality of the iTunes queen, Ewa, and the bookkeeper, Notmisscampbell.

The progress of the training program, a hybrid of sorts, was injecting hope into a staff that was as deflated as a New Year's Eve balloon on January 3rd. End of the month's were always bad. In an attempt to build up the numbers, the general would berate and threaten the Co Founder into pounding out contracts from dealers, used car lots, or even single sale enterprises so the balance sheet would look good. Whether the money was ever collected mattered not as the book keeping was so fouled and out of sync with normal accounting practices that the developers of QuickBooks couldn't have figured out the system. How could a team of Indian accountants, book keepers and ny=umber guru's not understand book keeping principles?

Each month-end you could hear The Co Founder pounding desks, screaming about numbers and writing hysterically on the dry erase board as though he were on the Chicago Mercantile Floor encouraging buys, sells, puts and shorts from his partially professional, partially confused team in the field. And since the general couldn't launch a watch on time, the Co Founder was constantly behind the eight ball but never near the corner pocket. On top of that, since the products that appeared after the smoke and mirrors cleared were all intangible, the only real sales tool were the monthly power point reports - that were seldom delivered to the client. However, they were some of the most professional looking reports ever constructed as they were one product leaving Bangalore that shined in the doom and gloom of non performance.

B ut alas, Columbo had a tangible product that could immediately produce results and revenue that General Managers and dealer principals could see, and feel, and count. Finally a results driven product that would bring dollars to the bottom line of the dealerships and the Company. Columbo could be the man of the hour and save the entire operation. And, the general knew this. With that in mind, the general decided to parlay his latest creation into the purchase of another company, one that would bring a rspectable name to his stable. Yes, he was in a buying mode, using the business tactic that by acquition revenues increase making the company look stronger.
And since Columbo's product was quickly launch able - it was based on knowledge, training, tools, and implementation - and it could be billed immediately it was the perfect tool to build on. Plus, it could all be accomplished in the USA.

Just think, an Indian company with an American made product. Oops, I shouldn't have suggested that.

Tomorrow: The general gets India involved in that.

Danny Columbo Could save the Day

(Blogger's Note: I would like to ask all of those posting comments to refrain from using real names since there isno reason to get vicious, insulting, and personal on a blog forum that is fictional. Plus, we all know that real people, in the real world of business do not act like the characters in this blog. I mean come on, $60,000.00 on a Mercedes you can barely see over the steering wheel in and then cheat your employees out of commission. Please, get real. On top of that the person then promises to give "the wife" a car so she won't go back to India. That is all fiction. It's out of a Jeffrey Archer styled novel. No company president, or better yet, chariman of the board, would allow someone to hold a leadership position in a company if that ever happened in the real world – unless of course he was padding the books through irresponsible book keeping practices.

When Don Crane walked in the office the few employees that came into the office on a regular basis were interested in how he would change the dysfunctional relationship that the duo – general electrified and The Co Founder had established.

Odds are, many said, that Don would be sucked into the crossfires of the idea thief and the "yes" man. However, when Danny Columbo showed up and joined the company with new ideas and a satchel full of projectors, gadgets, gizmos, trinkets and toys, there was excitement and a buzz around the office that finally the duo would listen to the new group of intelligent people who each had eperience in the real world. Word spread quickly throughout the corporate headquarters and the field that an automotive professional had joined the team and suddenly training would have structure, substance, focus and integrity. A new day was on the horizon.

It didn't take long for Danny to learn the ropes. Soon after his arrival the Dysfuntional duo headed off to Bangalore to check resources and to act busy. It was actually one of the frequent trips to India to check the books and make sure the accounting was being done correctly. With loan apps at the bank the books had to sparkle. At least the pages needed to look in order.

But back in the states Columbo was investigating the opportunity of a new program development that would offer dealers Internet sales training for the departments that so many dealers had developed to handle the leads being generated by this new advertising media.

Plus, if the dealerships really bought the smoke and mirror package, with the mudmaker add on they were all worried that they would need some help or else they would lose all the leads coming in the door.

Columbo came to the company with years of experience both in the world of dealerships and in the automotive Internet sphere. He had worked for a successful company that had numerous divisions that dealt with delearships large and small. However, the plan he had for training dealers and marketing the services was something of a brainchild Columbo had developed while on the plan from Southern California to the San Francisco offices.
I'll never forget the first time he explained the scenario to me.

"You're going to love this," he said, "I have this plan for dealership training and it will revolutionize the industry. The process and procedure makes sense not only for the general managers, but also for the Internet sales managers and the sales people who are coming off the floor to sell over the Internet."

After a brief explanation and outline I was curious as to why Fire M didn't use this training for their staff of sales representatives. And, I also wanted know why the company was all over the board drifting in and out of processes and procedure for their product when they could adopt a training package, sell it to the dealers and add products on to the package as the dealer needed, increasing sales and profits.

"THAT is a great idea," said Trevor Landem, adding " It will never fly, these two won't implement an idea unless they come up with it." Or steal it.

Tomorrow: If you like that, You'll love this.

The Delerious Mudmaker Program

(Blogger's Note: Ah, Friday. Pizza Friday at Fire M headquarters. A very interesting comment was posted yesterday from an ex employee who worked at Fire M headquarters in India. We'll touch on this more on Monday after my sources give me the skinny on why the chubby cut bait and believing his propoganda. Remember the premise for Slumdog Millionaire when the host of the show turns on the contestant. The same holds true for Fire M, except you never know when yor the contestant. take The Co Founder, he has ben the subject of executive abuse for seven nine years and he still hasn't completely cracked. But I will say this, you can't blame Lady M -she is just taking orders from general electrified. His brittle defense, independently speaking, is that Da Bank needs to see numbers. And, since his numbers suck, he has to blame everyone else for not producing so his teflon persona is still shining with the board of directors. If the board would stop chasing windmills and analyze how many people were fired or have left the company they could then ascertain there is a problem from the top down, not the bottom up. There is an unwritten rule that generals never go to the front line but they do contribute something other than berating emails asking where are the Doritos. And I don't mean the brothers.)

But now back to today's tale.

When Don Cane showed up with thought there was light at the end of the tunnel. general electrified refused to take advice from anyone of his consultants or employees. He would immediately absorb the information and offer his standard "We'll take a decision on this tomorrow." That was code for "I am going to take your idea, tell you it will not work, file it and then reintroduce it as my own in a few weeks."

When I was first informed of this process by The Co Founder and later the lead salesperson in the company's west coast office, Trevor Landem, I thought the two guys were just frustrated with the non progress of the company. However, after Don Cane, the CO Founder and Trevor all began to speak the same language I had believed them.

"Trevor, how long have you been here?" I asked one day when general electrified and The Co Founder were in India with Don Cane.

"Almost since the beginning. And it has been very interesting. These guys are lost. We need to get some executives in here to straighten them out." Trevor said.

"Well, Don looks like he might be a good guy." I added.

"Oh, Don's great. It's not the employees; it's the Co-Founder and the general. They don't have a clue. The Co Founder gets thrown out of every dealership he goes into because he's so rude and the Co Founder thinks everyone is beneath him. You can't run a company like that. Your customers have to come first."

"Trevor, you sound a little frustrated?"

"Frustrated. I have seven sites waiting to get done. They are six months behind on a simple web site. Delirious, over there is so far behind on SEO marketing that we are charging dealers for nice reports, confusing them and telling them if they don't pay we'll shut them off. That would be lucky."

Delirious, the Mudmaker program manager that program hyped as the savior of the auto industry. The copycat application was so employee heavy that the product couldn't turn a profit. However, general electrified did do one thing right – he utilized his talented graphic department in Bangalore to develop power point reports filled with data and charts that would confuse most dealers.

If it weren't for the craft, skill and dedication of the graphic team in India, there isno reason that Fire M could brag about product.

But with Don Cane in place, supposedly capturing the reigns of pseudo power from The Co Founder, with Trevor Landem still selling and handling customers, with Eddie Moringer on the east coast and what the Co Founder referred to as his girls in the northwest, Midwest and the Heartland things seemed to be moving in the right direction.

Although the golf tournaments were shaky, attendance poor, and sales were down, there was hope on the horizon. And it all had to with training. You're gonna love this.

"Mike, could you pass me a slice of sundried tomato"....


Monday: Danny Columbo walks out of the flame, into the fire.

He who caste the first stone

(Blogger's Note: If you happen to work for a company with offices in San Francisco and Bangalore, who has an owner who flies who has not had a smooth product launch since Orville Wright landed, who thinks employees are idiots, customers suckers and American's stupid, do not read this blog on company time or on a browser that uses one of the guy's servers - he's having your browsers tracked. When paranoia sets in the truth must really hurt.)

Here' the drill for Fire M - 40 calls a day, 5 days a week. that's 200 calls a week. Multiply that by 30 sales people and you have 600 calls a week. With 20,000 automotive dealers across the country every one of them would have been called in less than three months. The boiler room operation that general electrified developed with the help of The Co Founder was similar to dialing for dollars. However, the effectiveness of it was ridiculously callous. To make matters worse, an Indian call-center would make inroductory calls, while reading from a script written by a writer who knew nothing about the auto industry.

The marketing and sales plan that general electrified implemented with the help of The Co Founder, when they first stated selling outside of their region made throwing a dart at a map to define a location look almost scientific. They were fortunate enough to hire two professional salespeople who both had automotive experience - one o n the east coast and one on the west coast. But rather than listen to the two of them general electrified prodded The Co Founder to abuse the two of them as though they were all part of some Caste Society that general electrified oversaw.

You may be able to take the boy out of the caste, but you can't stop him from casting stones and abusive insults.

When Don Cane joined the company his job was defined on the map on his wall. Until 2005 nobody in the company researched dealer penetration, need, competition or even how many dealers were Inernet savvy. It was strictly a seat of the pants operation that charged premium prices for subterreanean products.

And, since their was no [ublished rate card, evey dealer or dealer group paid a different amount of money.

When cane joined the company, two essential elements began to form: Cane charted a course with some semblance of organization and he decided to hire trainable people who could carry the message to the dealers. For once there was light at the end of the tunnel and we thought general electrified might finally play a role in what he claimed he was good at- customer support which was failing so rapidly it was costing the company clients, compensation, and future customers.
And, there isno reason for that.

No Day at The Beach

After numerous emails and snail mail invitations to potential customers in the company's backyard- San Francisco – the company managed to beg, borrow and plead for 16 participants. Thanks to Don Cane there were contests and prizes at every hole and on the morning of the tournament it appeared that the response from the auto dealers in the Bay Area was better than expected. The Livermore Valley course proved to be a challenge for the golfers and the representatives of the company.

Of course, general electrified didn't show up to golf and only made an appearance at about 3:00 p.m. Naturally, his first question was whether we had sold anything as he thought it would be normal for a group of golfers to sign up for smoke and mirror products between swings.

Needless to say the golf tournaments – only eight of them- turned out to be a disaster. And since the company had no sales tracking to speak of, general electrified said they didn't bring in any revenue and The Co-Founder continues to profess they were the best promotion the company ever had. Both may be right. And of course, nobody ever went to Pebble Beach- a sham of sorts- but that's the foundation of this fictional company.

And the company, Fire M, an acronym for Fictional Results Marketing, is based on smoke and mirror products.

To Fire M's advantage, there is a serious disconnect between many automotive dealers and the Internet. For two guys who knew absolutely nothing about the automotive industry except that they wanted to eventually buy luxury cars, (general electric can barely drive, there is a victim in India who will second that statement, if he were able), it is remarkable they have grown Fire M to the proportion they have. This isn't because of the products the company offers or the sales tools they offer their sales team. The Fire M success story is based on the fact that auto dealers were at first hesitant of the Internet and then they were enamored by it once they felt they were falling behind the competition.

Hence a handful of companies, Fire M included, began to gain ground in the automotive community. And while the dealers fell for the products, sales pitches, contracts that were being sold, the manufacturers turned their backs on many of the companies that were throwing their hats into the ring.

So when general electrified refers to potential clients as "suckers" he isn't far off the mark.

Tomorrow: How Fire M mapped out their territories.

The Future Firing Procedure

In over a two decades working as either a publisher or editor in newspapers and magazines, and one decade as a restaurant owner, I had never nor was I a victim of FFP. I found it rather comical that someone would implement FFP without knowledge of the circumstances, but assumed it was one of general electric's Indian procedures that fit perfectly with his quirky dysfunctional characteristics that made one have bittersweet feelings for the little guy.

Yes, only an arrogant narcissist with enough insecurity to keep the other half of the co founder's shrink's couch full would fire one over the phone and offer a future termination date.

Like everything else in the company, from the framework used to build platforms and sites to the framework used to build an organization, the structure and leadership was shaky, at best.

And, just like everything in life, without structure and framework – a blueprint of sorts- you cannot have a successful company.

After the hang-up, I knew I would have a week to plot my course and to look at the past and the future. I immediately went back to the day almost four years earlier when I asked what their mission statement was. The co founder's reply an oddity both then and now: "We don't have a mission statement. We don't need one. We change on a regular basis."

No kidding.

I knew then the road ahead would be rocky but I also knew that you don't have to go to Harvard to get a great education. And, if I paid attention, I knew I could learn as much about the Internet and its relationship to the automotive industry by working for a fledgling company as I could by working for a company that was successful. I also knew from the subordinate position of The Co Founder, the slap dog in the eyes of general electric, that it would be impossible to implement anything unless it was the general's idea. So my first plan of implementation was to make sure he stole as many ideas as possible. He obviously stole the golf tournament idea.

I knew for a company that had absolutely no experience in golf tournaments or even country clubs it would be a great adventure to hold a national tournament in ten cities and agreed to oversee the event. The plan seemed relatively sane. Except for the lack of funding needed to organize and execute the event correctly, everything else was in order, with the exception of a true committment for the Pebble Beach event. Would the championship ever really take place at Pebble Beach? We were all skeptical.

The sales representatives that were told to get the potential clients to the tournaments knew little, if anything, about golf. I admit I know nothing about golf and really don't care to learn. However, I do know about sailing, and if someone where going to ask me to participate in a sailing regatta and they knew nothing about it I would probably decline. Especially if I assumed the outing was going to be sales based. Essentially that's what happened to our tournaments. Low turnout, low sales and low morale.

The company's ringer, however, was the new sales manager, Don Cane, who came with an impressive resume and a great spirit. Unfortunately for Don, he had no idea how the dysfunctional duo of general electric and The Co Founder would impede his progress. His goal, once hired was to organize, develop and expand the sales team. What he didn't know was that the company was having difficulty delivering the product it had already sold so to sell more would begin an implosion of dynamic proportion.

As Don was organizing, The Co Founder was fending off the problems from disatisfied clients and general electric was telling everyone to stay out of support. It was sitcom material except nobody was sponsoring the show.

Tomorrow: Why general electric calls them "Suckers".

The Man Has Some Hang-ups

(Blogger's Note: In one of the many comments sent in last week, one writer referred to me as a "White Supremacist." I find this ironic, actually humorous. I am writing this blog, about a book I am writing, based on fiction. However, as I have mentioned previously, I did work at an Indian run, Bangalore based company and did experience numerous adventures while there.

Supremacy, I have come to realize, is a lifestyle for many. It has little to do with race, but more with culture. The company within this fictional blog is built on the hard work and talent of a group of wonderful people in Bangalore, India. They are hard working, and professional. They are also underpaid and treated by the CEO of the fictional company I am writing about, like garbage. That has to do with his personal feelins of Supremacy. As a matter of fact, the character treats everyone that way, and as a reader, you will be introduced to his Supreme demeanor in the way he treats women, executives, waiters, waitresses and others whom he feels are subservient. The CEO character in this blog, general electrified - again fiction - feels he is so Supreme, that he will later say in one chapter in the book, "I never knew how to empty garbage until I moved to America." Now it seems he has learned how to create it.

As far as the White Supremacy comment, it was made by a person from a class society who has never been challenged before less the challenger would be shunned, fired, or worse. Of course within this blog, the challenger did get fired. And once again, the comment's author is throwing the stones as a defense for the life lived.)

Now on with the story…

Time passes as slowly as cars move in stand-still traffic, especially when the person on the other end of the phone has been ranting about customer service and damaged goods for what seems like a decade. Its a strange way to speak of a human being unless you don't look at underlings as human beings. After reminiscing about our apparent psuedo friendship, I came back to the world I was driving in. As the car behind me started its engine and traffic cleared I heard general electrified come up for air.

"Do you understand what I am saying," he said.

"Actually, you have been talking for over 15 minutes and I don't think I heard a lot of it," I said, knowing the frustration level had hit the crest I waited for his response.

"If you do not stop talking about customer service we are going to have to go our separate ways." The general said.

"What does that mean?"

"You know exactly what it means. Separate ways," he said.

"General, are you using the "F" word on a Friday? I asked.

"What word?'

"The 'F' word," I said, adding "Are you firing me?"

"Yes, you're fired." The general said.

"I knew it. I knew you didn't have the balls to do it in person. You had to do over the phone on a Friday afternoon. That is just like you. I am surprised you didn't send the co-founder out to do it like you did when you got rid of Mike Maxwell in Detroit. Remember him? You claimed he was a racist because he complained about customer service?"

"O.K. I'll fire you the next time you come in, on Monday. Are you coming in on Monday?"

"Come in on Monday, so you can fire me? No. I am taking vacation until after Thanksgiving. I'll be in a week from Monday." I said, half serious, half kidding.

"O.K. fine. I will fire you then. Good bye," he said as the phone went dead.

Finally, it looked like I could spend a weekend without a barrage of emails from the general who assumes if you are sending emails to you employees, you are running your company.


Tomorrow: The difference between customer service and support.

If It's Friday, It"s time for Lunch

Friday. I remember them well. In the beginning it was always Chinese food at some off alley, humidity filled room with metal chairs, Lazy Susans, and sticky tables. Friday was the day for recalculation on the company overview. At first, it seemed productive. However, eventually one realized that it was general electric's way of finding out if the emails he was going to barrage employees with over the weekend were going to be answered.

Fridays were also the days that the top management circle would rip the employees in the field and comment on numerous personality traits. It was also the day the general and The Co-Founder either had a make-up lunch or kept their dysfunctional dynamic going over the weekend. Odds were it was a make up lunch, but on occasion especially towards month-end, the tension at lunch was tougher than the afternoon meeting we would have about the soon-to-be launched golf tournament.

Let me just say a word on golf tournaments. I know nothing about them. I never have, and I never will. I know how to market them, and to organize them, but I am not a golfer. Guess what, neither was the general, or The Co-Founder.

Oh sure, they play golf, but there is a difference between one who plays and one who is.

It's kind of like corporate executives; there is a difference between what it says on your business card and living up to the title.

At one Friday lunch it was brought to the attention of management – the team at that time was miniscule – that The Co-Founder was going to be hiring a person to handle sales. If the golf tournament was going to take off we really needed someone to be able to organize the sales force and get them focused. All of the things you do when you start a company. Since I was still a consultant I could legally shake my head at lunch, chuckle, explain, and it didn't matter what my thoughts or suggestions were. The general was, well, the general.

I didn't realize until months later that the golf tournament was just another stall tactic for late product launch and that the reason no clients were to be invited to the tournament was that there were few clients anyone would want into a room together.

Golf is a game of concentration, focus and clear minded vision. Lividity over product failure in the middle of a golf course with a bunch of salespeople who you never saw would not contribute to par.

And, after one more pass of the Lazy Susan, the string beans with winegar, the hot and sour soup, the plan was cut in- Formica: A new sales manager would be hired, the golf tournament would be held in ten cities across the country beginning in May in San Francisco, the Championship was to be held in March of the following year in Pebble Beach and the sales representatives in each area were to send out the invitations and get 20 people – five foursomes to sign up. But they could not be clients.

Kiss, Kiss. Check Please…..FORE!!!!!!


Monday: Can the New Guy Golf ?

The Don't Read, Must Read?

(Blogger's Note: Although some of the actions, descriptions, and events in this blog may seem real, the basis of this blog is fiction. If you feel you are in this blog as one of the characters, you should change your style, attitude and demeanor, as this blog and its content is just for entertainment during a very stressful workday. The characters within are all developed as part of the writer's craft. The plot has been observed during various venues. The author is a professional journalist who has been featured in The San Francisco Chronicle, The San Francisco Examiner, and various other publications. Think about it, would anyone who owns an Internet Automotive Marketing Company ever walk into a Mercedes Dealership and be so insulting that the General Manager contacts the company's headquarters, cancels his account and ask that the CEO never come in his dealership again? Of course not. That would never happen. Would a professional CEO call or email his employees over the July 4th Holiday and ask where all of the food went that was in the kitchen? Of course not. The Dorito Police take care of that. This is sitcom stuff. This is book stuff. This is just a figment of my imagination. It never really could have happened.)

There. It's been said. This blog is quickly becoming "The Don't Read, Must Read" according to unreliable sources that are peppered throughout the industry. I received a call from a Dealership in Oklahoma asking me which company I was referring to. What was he thinking?

As today's saga opens, General Electrified has sent notice to his employees they are not to read this blog. He is in his corner office, staring out the window, thinking of a more serene time. A time of smaller staff, less confusion, happier relationships, and golf tournaments.

Fading back into summers past, the scene takes place as the PR consultant offers a campaign starring an avatar, Robbie Roberts. It's PR Guy's idea that Robbie Roberts would take over the fledgling family Oldsmobile dealership after Robbie's father dies. Robbie would then take the dealership to new heights by using nothing but Internet tools to sell cars all over the country. Robbie Roberts Auto World is born.

"It should be based on the fact that Robbie Roberts is always on wacation," Said general electrified.

"Yeah, we could send out a postcard to select dealers inviting them to join Robbie- the Super bowl, skiing in Colorado, golfing at Pebble Beach. Those would work," Pr Guy said.

"We could suggest various products in each of the invitations driving traffic to those landing pages, " said the co-founder, adding, "actually, why don't we hold a golf tournament and invite clients."

"No, you don't want to invite clients, we already have them. We need to broaden our base. Let's invite potential clients."

"General, that would be a disaster. You are going to hold a tournament and not invite your clients. You could up sell them."

"PR Guy, don't tell me about sales. You do not want the clients at the event," said general electrified.

"Let's do ten tournaments and the ten winners will go to Pebble Beach to compete in a final championship tournament. The only requirement will be that they have to buy a product. That will work," said general electrified.

Ah, golf tournaments. A great way to show 'em your marketing balls.

Tomorrow: You Are Cordially Invited...To The Beach

Rainmakers, Suckers, Idiots and Fools

Rainmakers. Suckers. Idiots and fools. All standard words used by The President of the company who paralleled himself to Jack Welch and General Electric after reading Welch's book. As a matter of fact, considering the great generals in history, Napoleon, Mussolini, and Hitler, his disrespectful demeanor to his troops that worked for him fit the mold. Yes, general electrified fits him well.

The man had a knack for capturing ideas, keeping them locked in his mental prison and then releasing them in meetings as though they were his own.

"I think I want to run a few full pages in Automotive News. It will build the brand. It will look good to the clients and manufacturers," he would profess, all the while not having an idea of brand building. He would read an article about another successful company and then switch his focus overnight, thinking if the other guy could be successful at it, so could he. General electric- the man- had been struggling with identity since we first met at the San Francisco restaurant show years before. He and his partner, the co-founder, were scoping out the restaurant industry. Fortunately for the restaurants of the world and the owner's who struggle to keep eateries growing general electrified chose the Automotive Industry to permeate with smoke, mirrors, SEO, SEM and the marketing expertise of a man who eight years before didn't know how to produce a press release.

That was a better time. Back then the company had fewer employees – nobody to make harassment charges- they had a smaller office on Market street- no empty cubicles depicting the failure of a 10,000 square foot office move, and no struggles with customer service and cancellations. You don't have cancellations if you don't have clients.

Yes, "start up" was General Electrified mantra of saving grace. And, it is the greatest mode ever created in business. But only in a fledgling Internet business can it be used as an excuse for product malfunction, inadequate service, and continual functionality failure.

However, the genius behind the endeavor, general electrified, and the man navigating the company through rocky waters had maintained throughout his continual failure of product that "eweryone has the same problem. Microsoft, Oracle, they all come to market late. This is new technology. Plus, car dealers are all morons. They don't know what's up," he would openly profess. What he failed to understand is that failing new technology gets old fast.

When I was summoned to General Electrified's office in 2003 I was surprised that he wanted to have a meeting. He said he wanted to redo my website for trade - I would do some marketing and public relations for his company and he in turn would redesign my website. Since our relationship had been casually friendly I opted for the deal and began to develop a marketing and public relations campaign.

What I didn't know was that he had burned through two other marketing guys because of his micro-management style before me. As a matter of fact his empployee burn rate is something his investors need peruse. Can all of these employees be that incompetent? If so, they should have different hiring criteria, if not they should have different General criteria.But that didn't matter to me; I was a consultant working for trade. How bad could his micromanagement style be?

Pretty bad is the only way to answer that question. In reviewing the 7968 emails I received (and never deleted) from the time I began work as a consultant until my departure, I realized that General electrified's frayed management style was peppered with harassment and brow beating. And, the victim here, was his co-founding partner, the restaurant equipment salesman who was used as the front man for a company that had little, if any, attachment to the United States in ways of business principles, strategies, or products. As the plot unfolds I was hired as a consultant to develop a smoke and mirror program to entice auto dealers to sign up for something that only a rainmaker could sell.

Tomorrow: How to plan a golf tournament and not invite your customers

Hello, We're Breaking Up?

When my cell phone rang on Friday afternoon before Thanksgiving I knew from the caller I.D. that it was my boss, the president of the company. Although I was stuck in detour traffic in the midst of wine country's Carneros appellation and I knew reception would be bad, I answered anyway.

Bad reception is an understatement. The voice on the other end of the iPhone stated his usual greeting.

"Hello, John. #$! here. What the F*&* have you done to her? She is damaged goods."

"Pardon me", I said, adding, "What are you talking about?"

"You know Goddamn well what I am talking about. She is still complaining about how bad customer service and support is. I have told you not to discuss that with her. She is just a stupid salesperson. She is just supposed to sell the product. You have ruined her. She is complaining to him about everything. I don't think we can save her."

"You are breaking up. I can't hear you very well." I said, hoping to alleviate a further altercation.
"Call me back then", he said.

"Are you nuts", I responded. "You want me to call you back so you can continue to go off like a lunatic about customer service. I don't think so."

I knew that my boss was under a lot of pressure. An acquisition he was attempting to formulate was not going well. He had to deliver something, anything by year's end as he had explained in a meeting only week's before, or the shareholders were going to cut the American company off. On top of this pressure, Thanksgiving was fast approaching and he was going to be alone for the holiday. His wife, who floated between the marketing and content departments in the company, wielding the stick of an undercover executive had decided to move back to Bangalore for the second time in three years to tend to the ailing family dog, which seems to have more lives than most cats we know.

All the while his proclivity for Captain Morgan's more affluent imported cousins was getting the better of him every night precisely after 6:00 p.m. as his late night email jags were being precluded by late afternoon yelling sessions.

As he continued to yell I proceeded slowly, locked in traffic on the two lane road rolling through Carneros. Home of Domain Chandon, The Carneros Lodge, and other well-known wineries the region was not only one of the world's most famous appellations but stood as a symbol of businesses based on quality, customer service.

Looking out over the golden vineyards of autumn I began to question why a supposedly bright man could be so blinded by an ego that he did not read the numbers he professed to worship. He ignored the fact that product cancellations outnumbered new contracts. And I thought it ironic that he would call someone who questioned the company's lack of customer service, damaged goods, when that was exactly why his company was failing. Having lost money consistently for 36 quarters the answer was in the accusation- he was selling damaged goods.

It wasn't always this way. Back in 1995 when I met the other half of the dysfunctional duo, he won my account because of his customer service skills. Back then, it was a matter of life or death the restaurant equipment I ordered would be delivered on time. With less than three days to go before my restaurant was due to open my barstools were in Tennessee. My restaurant was in Carmel, California.

That was how this all began. I had just moved to Carmel, California where I had purchased a restaurant, my fifth in group of single concept eateries based in the Mid West. I had left a career in journalism five years earlier. I purchased the Carmel location on my honeymoon as the beach in Carmel was too sensual to leave behind. I asked other restaurant owners where to buy equipment and was told Cresco Restaurant Equipment in San Francisco had a young, aggressive salesperson, who was great with owners and knew the meaning of customer service.

I had little idea how much a part that trip to Cresco would play in my future. Ironically, it was there I first met the present day partner of the screaming president. He was selling restaurant equipment. A puppy of sorts, looking for a future, he had a great sales approach and since he prided himself in customer service the word was spreading throughout the industry of his ability to deliver- on time.

Unbeknownst to either of us, his customer service ability would bond us then and years later when I went work for the company he co-founded with Captain Morgan's buddy. But the road that began in that restaurant supply house and was now stalled in a Vineyard traffic jam was much longer and less travelled than most would have endured. The real saga began in 2000 when we were all looking for Internet Gizmos.

A Brief Introduction

Carboys and Indians, the blog- follows the developments of Carboys and Indians, the book - while offering snippets and previews of the book's direction in capsulated form.

Unlike those other books about Cowboys and Indians, those westerns dealing with the Cowboys and Indians of yesteryear, where Wyatt Earp, Bat Masterson, and Maverick, were fighting the likes of Crazy Horse, Sitting Bull, Geronimo and all the other famous chiefs, this book has nothing to do with Teepees, Tomahawks, or Paint Ponies. It does have to do with the turmoil the chief executive creates on a daily basis as the India based Internet company floats along under the dysfunctional direction of one of the company's founders. The struggles the company has with customer service, getting products to market on time, and fulfilling the needs and promises made to customers, comes to light only after customer cancellations surpass new contracts.

Carboys and Indians is set in Internet Territory in San Francisco and in Bangalore, India. The Carboys within the pages are of the corporate ilk. They include those who have made a profession out of America's automotive industry. And the Indians are, for the most part, the hard working, underpaid employees of a Bangalore based company with offices in San Francisco. The company, a subsidiary of an India based publicly traded company, is run by an executive who considers his clients suckers, his employees idiots, and Americans, stupid.

And, it only gets better from here...

Tomorrow: A bar stools discussion leads to roads less travelled...